Interviews.

Here are three examples of me on job interviews.

1. NYC 2010, interviewing for a hostessing position after leaving (sketchy) non-profit job of three years.

Interviewer: What's something you're really proud of that you've done lately? A big goal of yours that you have accomplished?

Me: Quitting my old job.

Interviewer: Excuse me?

Me: Hey, I'm really proud I actually quit.

Yes, I did get the job which was kind of terrible because there were so many cheeseburgers in front of me all of the time and I was too broke to actually eat them.

2. Retail work 2011, looking for seasonal holiday shift.

Interviewer: Tell me about a time that a co-worker was doing something you didn't agree with and how you dealt with it?

Me: Well, when I was counseling kids, one of my co-workers was in a cult.  It was quite bizarre. I noticed that she was inviting the parents of the students to her church and didn't think this was right so I went to my supervisor, who was aware of her affiliations.  He told me to tell her to stop.  I tried to tell her but it was awkward because I worked with her all of the time. But yeah, I don't think she stopped.

Interviewer: Ah, what?

I also got this job.  Somehow it had the most intense training ever despite the fact that I wasn't saving lives or anything....much more training that actual counseling had.  How does that make sense??

3. Montessori classroom assistant 2012.

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

I tell her where I lived blah blah blah what I've done for work blah blah blah my experience working with kids blah blah blah that I love writing blah blah blah have done some comedy blah blah blah. "Oh!!!!! And I really love cats and cheese!!!!"

Interviewer: Yeah, cats and cheese are good.....

Not sure if I got this one, but I did treat myself to a great iced coffee and two chocolate munchkins on the way home!

Bras in the Face!

I did inventory last week, rounding out the end of my seasonal retail work. Good God. I've done inventory before but it was never so painful. Three nights of beeping and counting into the wee hours of the night and early morning. Thank you, not. The first night was was the worst. Even though I was the shortest person around, I somehow got stuck with the wall fixtures. This required me climbing ladders and standing on tip toes and wrestling heavy mannequins. I was also stuck with an old school dinosaur gun which had to be held with both hands and didn't scan a damn thing. And while I'm working with the dino, I have to somehow free up enough of the hands to move the merchandise. It was like a puzzle, I tell you. Hand cramps were creeping up on me left and right. And the bras. There were at one point 40 bras just hitting me in the face. Quite cumbersome to say the least. I overheard a 50-something co-worker say counting all the lingerie was making her horny which I found to be both funny and horrifying. I also had to count endless pairs of tights which made me hate tights which caused me concern because I also hate pants and that doesn't leave me with many options in regards to the lower region. Perhaps worst of all was the elevator music that never ceased. SO BAD. If this was really on in an elevator, I would be sure to take the stairs is all I'm saying. That night I dreamed that I was doing inventory and then the dream sequence immediately flashed to me driving off of a cliff, dead serious. I made sure to drive extra carefully the next couple of nights.