Why don't fish like basketball??

The latest from kindergarten....

I love kindergarten. Snack time! Going down the slide at recess! Music class! Art class! Gym! Being excited for being able to zip up your own zipper!

The other day, there was an older gentleman substituting teaching the music class. Comedy central. He plays a pretty annoying Christmas song on the CD player and tells them to listen. Obviously, they're not listening. He writes a few of the words on the board. They cannot read these words. Literally. He then passes out a million instruments. The annoying Christmas song is still playing. He tells them to sing the song while playing the instruments. Chaos. These kids do not know the words, nor do they know how to play any of these instruments. A triangle flies across the room. I basically had a laughing fit throughout the entire fifty minutes of class and was of no help whatsoever.

I know you shouldn't pick favorites, but there is this one boy in class who takes pics of his cats for me and then brings in his camera to show me. Amazing. His parents renovated their upstairs and he took pics of that too.  He takes out his camera and is like, "here is the toilet" and "this is the tv". He made a cd of his mom singing in Portuguese for me. We discussed how his parents should put a radio station in their house and we can have out cats come and listen. Love it. He's  also always offering to bring in an extra snack for me. "I can ask my mom to pack an extra honey bun for you!" On Wednesday, he beckoned for me to come over. "I have to tell you in your ear. Santa can't hear." He then proceeded to tell me how he saw Santa last year, but Santa can't know this. Santa was putting gifts under the tree and his cat Penny was climbing the tree. Santa threw Penny off the tree but made sure that he landed on a soft spot. This kid is the best.  Cats! Snacks! Santa! Such great taste!. He also said that there is a parade of turkeys that walk through his yard on Thanksgiving that his family feeds. Another great thing about this kid is that he is a prankster. He brought in fake white-out to school and tricked all of the teachers. Soooo classic. Right up my alley.

This kid, as well as a few others, are always trying to share their food with me.  One boy literally tried to spoon feed me his JELLO the other day. "It's so good. You need to try it."

Some good quotes from the week:

Girl: "Miss Kristen, guess what! I am big enough for a booster seat now!" She is so excited.

Boy: "Do you want a gift? I have a gift for you!" He then proceeds to do armpit farts in my face.
Classic!

Boy: "Someone made fun of me once in pre-school."
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What did the person do?"
Boy: "He said 'na na na na na na' to me."
Me: "Oh, that's not very nice."

Boy: "Do you like applesauce?"
Me: "Yes."
Boy: "Pinky swear??"

Girl: "When I grow up I want to be a princess with a mermaid tail."

Boy: "When I grow up I want to be a dinosaur!"

I asked a kid why he was in the nurse's office. His response: "I laughed so hard I peed myself. It was so funny." I told him that that happens to me too sometimes.

And some jokes from the back of the milk carton:

Q: What do astronauts put on their launch?
A: Launch meat!

Q: Why did the cow put lipstick on her forehead?"
A: She was trying to make up her mind!

Q: Why don't fish like basketball?
A: They're afraid of the net!

Updated Life List!

I've been taking this exercise class called "Pound" which incorporates Pilates, dance, calisthenics  and drumsticks. I'm pretty much obsessed. There are a lot of girls in class, who I can tell, view the whole thing as just another way to stay in shape.  Meanwhile, I'm there, channeling my best Ginger Baker, pounding that shit hard, and doing lots of head banging. I have now decided to add learning how to play the drums to my extended life list. I'm fairly certain that I will be a natural.

Life List!

1. Teaching license
2. Job
3. Move
4. Get a cat
5. Publish my book
6. Drums
7. Get back to dance class
8. Become fluent in French and Portuguese
9. Travel the world
10. Get my own talk show/sitcom
11. Meet a hovercraft captain. Make him my husband.

On a side, like sweet potatoes (I'm addicted), wanting to learn how to play the drums, reminds me that this girl from middle school still has my flute.  I let her borrow it and she never gave it back to me. Sometimes I really have the urge to play "Hot Cross Buns" and I can't.  Worst part is, my dad ran into her and the B is a music teacher! She could never be where she is now if she had given me back my flute. She is entering beauty pageants and teaching music.  I feel I am owed a "thank you", or at least my flute back...I'm tellin' ya....

The Chicken Dance, and then some.

I had Election Day off so I went to visit my Gma at her assisted living home.  A singer was coming in to entertain the old folks so we went down to watch the program.

We sat in the back. Gma was nervous because this entertainer has a tendency to come around with the mic and make you sing into it.

Being the only person under 84 in the room, I was the only one able to stand up without falling down. Hence, why "The Chicken Dance" took place seated.  Me and a bunch of old folks clucking in our seats. An exciting way to spend a Tuesday.

I noticed the singer motioning to me to come during a jig and so I did. I started pirouetting and leaping all over the place.  The old folks cheered. The singer hugged me.

I sat back down in my seat, but I was not off the hook. The lady came around with the microphone and put it in my face.  I sang a verse of "Tiny Bubbles". My Gma was thrilled.

The refreshment cart came into view and I got up to help pass out strawberries and mini-pastries.

At the end of the hour, my Gma looked at me and said, "I had no idea you were so smart. You do it all. I'm so proud of you." While I appreciated the compliment, I couldn't help think: you think I'm smart because I leaped around and passed out desserts?? You would have thought I had just gotten my doctorate the way she was talking.  Whatever, I'll take it.

Le Chef!

Bird and I were going to meet for brunch at Penelope's a few weeks back. I had been to Penelope's twice before...in April...on the same day....within two hour's span. A doctor (long story) had recommended it to Charlie Chainsaw so we went there for lunch.  After our lunch, I had gone to meet Bird during her work break.  She said she had Googled "good salad places" and Penelope's came up. So, we went there. I told the workers that it was so good, I couldn't stay away. It must have looked like I was interviewing people for the job of being my friend.  Actually, I lied when I said I had been there twice; Bird and I had ended up going there the next day as well. Well, when you know what you like...

Anyhoo, as I was saying, Bird and I were going to go there for brunch again, but the line was cra cra and time was not on our side.  So, we stumbled upon a little French joint on the same block. We entered what felt like a different era, a different world even.  Kitsch and clutter everywhere,  yet somehow very charming and right up our alley.  We waited a few minutes.  Where was everyone? We heard some chatter and banging coming from somewhere.  The place was so cluttered it took us a few minutes to discover a stairway.  I heard a voice telling someone what to do.  Bird and I were kind of afraid to see what was going on, but eventually we made our way up the stairs.  We were met by the French man pictured.  He didn't greet us but rather told us to "wait" and so we did. A few other people were there. The place was something else. Large emphasis on the "else".  We sat down and remained quiet for awhile, afraid that the French man would yell at us if we spoke. This place was totally bizarre, even for our standards.  One Yelp user wrote: This place looked like an ax murderer hacked up an evergreen and decorated the place with the dismembered branches. The place looks as though someone was having a garage sale, but instead of selling they were actually buying more crap to fill in an already cramped home. The outside looked nice enough, but upon opening the doors you feel like you've stepped into the home of a shut-in who has not left their abode since before the Reagan administration. To make matters worse, while they had been open to serve breakfast all of their benches were blocking the aisle as you tried to make your way toward the staircase. Bird and I had no idea where we were, or what we were eating, but we rather liked it.

Once we were no longer afraid to speak, Bird told me about her work trip to Buenos Aires.  She said how the locals were surprised that her and her work crew dressed "so hip".  "Weren't Americans supposed to wear high socks and sneakers??" Bird asked them if they wanted to visit the U.S. "No!" they all said.  "Why not?" "Because Americans carry machine guns! It's not safe." Even the dude from Toronto who had moved to Argentina felt this way. Dude, you are from Toronto. Really??!  Even he was scared of New York City.  One local said he was very familiar with Queens however.  "I very familiar with Queens. We watch 'The Nanny'. Very good show. Love Fran Drescher. Very popular here." 

Okay. Things I got from this brunch:
1. Bird and I will not always agree with the average Yelp user. Though, we do totally get where they're coming from.
2. Argentinians (and Canadian transplants) believe that America is full of machine guns, high socks, and   nasal-voiced nannies that have big hair.
3. I'll definitely be coming back to this place.

Idiot Awards!

I was eating breakfast with my friend the other day and we were discussing how the general public is rather idiotic...no offense, not you of course! You're brilliant! But some people, I mean, really?! Anyway, I confessed to my friend about my ongoing daydream of passing out Idiot Awards. Here's how it went down: I'd be on the train and someone would be talking really loudly and obnoxiously and I'd go into my Mary Poppins bag and whip out one of the many trophies I had purchased at a dollar store.  I would approach Annoying Person with a huge grin on my face and congratulate them for being the most annoying person on the train!! They would accept the award graciously of course, thankful that someone has noticed how annoying they are. I think this is the way to tell people how you feel about them. And I don't think you're a bad person for doing this.  In fact, I think you are making the world a better place.  You're helping people become self-aware! Plus, they can't say they never won anything before. People are always saying that: "I'm so unlucky. I never win anything." Now they have a shiny trophy to put up on their top shelf! It's all about how you tell people how you feel. Let's take into account the first time (perhaps only time?) I called someone a bitch.  I was so proud of myself, let me tell you! I have encountered many a B in my day, but usually I pay no mind.  Whatever, I say! But on this particular occasion, I was just not in the mood. I was rockin' the coat check (a dreadful time, wet coats smell similar to wet dogs) at one of the music venues and there was this girl walking around with such an air, let me tell you.  She thought she was just sooo damn cool. I am way too outgoing and tried to be friendly with her to which I was met with a B stare.  I was not feeling this. Word came in that she was awfully rude to the security guys too.  Don't be rude to my people! Obviously, we have dealt with the drunkest of the drunks and have been able to let that shiz go, but as aforementioned, I was not feeling it tonight, no sirree  So, I passed out coats and chatted with the people, all the while thinking in my head.  After some time, I went outside to where she was shmoozing with the band. "Excuse me," I said, ever so politely.  She turned her head towards me.  Calmly I said, "I just wanted you to know that I think you're a bitch. Have a good night." She just stared at me because really, how can she protest to this?! I wasn't coming at her.  I was politely telling her the truth.  Let me also say, as soon as I move back to the city, the first place I'm going is to the dollar store to get me some trophies. I'm going pass out the awards, one idiot at a time.

NEWvember!!!

Friday, I got home from working with kids all day and who knocks on my door but my nine year-old neighbor and her friend.  I have no idea why they decided to come over and for awhile it seemed as though they would never leave.  I gave them a tour of the house, discussed Halloween, teachers, Christmas, cats, and they continued to not leave.  So, I gave them soda and the game Sorry! to play. I literally started this blog as they were sitting behind me playing the game.  What is going on here?! And why could I not have just kicked them out? And not only did I not kick them out, I provided them with beverages and a game to play?! I'm taking non-confrontational to another level here, folks!

How was the hurricane for all of you people?! My parents didn't lose power, much to their disappointment.  My dad had gotten a new generator and was really excited to use it.  Thankfully for him, some trees did fall over so he was able to whip out the chainsaw and cut them up.  This made him happy. In all seriousness, Sandy had, as my six year-old student would say, "a tantrum" and it's not good. Figure out how you can help http://newyork.cbslocal.com/guide/where-to-donate-or-volunteer-to-sandy-relief-effort/ . And of course, positive vibes are always important!!


My friend came over Saturday and we broke out the champagne (ok, ok, it was sparkling wine). The cork pop flew across the room Happy New Year style! But, it hit me, there is no need to wait to the new year, it's NEWvember! Shiz is getting done! This is IT!! Get it done!!!! Just do it, Nike style! And when people ask you how you are, don't be like "fine" aka "blah".  Instead, be like, "I'm amazing, duh! Because I'm amazing!" What! Live the dream, love the life!

Election-wise...Well, I walked into the kindergarten class as they were voting and I wasn't thinking. Ya know when you just say things you shouldn't? Like, I always ask kids what they're eating for snack.  Ugh, so I said, "Who are you voting for?" I know, I know. It's a personal thing and everyone has their own right to choose. I agree with this. I just had a brain lapse. It happens! But! The whole class shamed me for asking! Literally shamed me! Thankfully, they told me they forgave me....Anyhoo, the kindergartners have Obama winning 21-5. Smart kids, maybe we should lower the voting age to 5??