New Year's Eve and the New Year.

New Year's Eve is to me one of the most overrated holidays. When I was younger it was cool. My family and I would eat Chinese food (pretty much the only time all year) and then either go to a movie or rent one. I definitely remember watching Apollo 13 on a December 31st back in the day. In college, there were a few not terrible parties that I attended as well as going to TC's Lounge, my favorite bar, a dive in Boston. There were no people there at 7pm on NYE, just the way I like it. In general, I feel like New Year's has some kind of ridiculous pressure associated with it, and is often accompanied by terrible, drunken idiots and the spending of way too much money. I worked three out of my four New Year's in New York.

My first New Year's in New York coincided with me going back and forth if I should even live there. My job was a joke and my sublet was over, the next day. I'd be homeless on the first day of the new year. My few months in the city thus far had proven to have quite a few stressful and wtf moments. I was literally going to throw the bag in until I worked a GNR cover band show and had a most amazing time. Something about hearing "Patience" on the dawn of a new year really jazzed up my spirits and I felt alive again, decided to give the Rotten Apple another chance. The next day, after no sleep, I packed all of my stuff and moved myself to Queens where I would crash at my friend's apartment for a little while until I was able to find my own. Fun, not so much, but I am glad I had stayed.

The next year, I worked at the same venue, did the same thing, rockin' the coat check, but did not have nearly as much fun. The band Crystle Castles was playing two shows that night and their crowds were out of control. Everyone was TERRIBLE. People were rushing the coat check and actin' a fool. I had to get behind the curtain and body check people while simultaneously yelling "back the fuck off me!" Ah, at least I started the year off on an assertive level. The crowd was so cray cray that a lady punched my manager in the face breaking his glasses. I vowed to not work the next New Year's.

I was happy that my best friend was in town as the ball dropped down in 2010. We ended up going to a super lame party however, with her then boyfriend. Bird and I rolled our eyes a lot but at least made the most of the lameness and did find the time to get low. Not super exciting, but no body checking.

Last year I worked again, this time reppin' the beer cart aka dumb cart. Butthole Surfers played and while the crowd was not as cool as Mr. Brownstone's, they were ten million times better than Crystal Castles'. One guy came up to me and said that he was glad that his wife had a C Section and was in the hospital with his newborn son still. He said that if his son had been born naturally, they would have been out of the hospital and he wouldn't have gotten to go to the show. Ah, good for you! What?! Anyway, I got through the night unscathed and refused to go out afterwards. I wanted it over with. The year that followed ended up being the worst year ever. I am glad that is going to be over in just a few hours.

I am feeling thankful this New Year's. Stoked that 2011 is coming to a close, and thankful that I survived. I distinctly remember working New Years night (not eve) last year and my co-workers and I felt blah already. Not a good omen. This year coming, I KNOW will be way better than this year present. It can only go up from here folks! And it's starting off pretty well too. I am having a very lowkey night. My cousin is coming over and we are going to have a Trapped in the Closet marathon and just straight up kick it. If that doesn't lead to a great 2012, I don't know what will.

Mos Def!

I'm a huge fan of music and used to frequent the live (not dead, ha/ugh) scene but have only gotten to see two shows since my sabbatical has begun. The first show I went to went down at 2pm in my Gma's assisted living home. Some middle aged folkish singer who had to keep turning down his amp so he wouldn't kill those present with hearing aids. Wild stuff.

The second show I went to was Mos Def in Providence which was held on his birthday. My friends and I were honored that he would spend his day of birth with us common folk.  Dude did not disappoint. He rhymed! He sang! He swiveled his hips in a most enjoyable way! Plus, he carried around a most badass old school mic. Mos Def is pretty adorable. All the ladies wanted to give him hugs. It was a grand ol' time! What! What!

The only downfall was that my hands were turning colors and were freezing from my drink (damn Raynaud's disease!). Thankfully, I had a glove and could pull an MJ:

Christmas, Merry! Jolly!

I know you're all dying to hear of how my Christmas went so here it goes:

The annual Christmas Eve party was held at our house this year. Back in the day, it was held at my Gma and Gpa's but then they moved to into assisted living. It was then held at my Aunt Emily and Uncle Lenny's but somehow my mom swooped in and took over this year. I did have a dream that my Aunt Kathy had a baby just so she could get the party at her house, citing that it would make it easier, her real motive being that she  just didn't want to drive for once . Thankfully, that was just a dream. ANYWAY. The food was delightful consisting of linguica, meatballs, lasagna, chili, scrod, as well as random sides and a sweet array of desserts. My brother of course made fun of me for being a "hipster" for a good half an hour. Always fun, not. Ha.

Conversation Example:

Steve: You're such a hipster.

Me: Eyeroll. Ugh.

Steve: That is like the baggiest pair of pants that you own.

Me: Grandma bought me these pants. I don't even like pants.

Steve: Oooh you don't even like pants. So ironic. 

Me: UGH.

Steve: You have bangs.

Me: Your wife cut my hair.

Steve: Come on, come on. You lived in Brooklyn and worked at a music venue.

Me: I'm not even in a band. The only instrument I know how to play is the flute.

Steve: The flute is a very ironic instrument.

Me: UGH. I can't even ride a bike. I'm not a hipster.

Steve: You're a hipster. I admit, the bike thing gets me a little, but you're still a hipster. You lived in Brooklyn and moved home to get in touch with your roots. Ah, I'm going to move back to Dighton to start a marshmallow farm. I'm a hipster.

Me: UGH.

This lasted way too long.

Sometime before this, my Aunt Kathy went on a rant about how she wants a tattoo. This also lasted very long. My mom had bought fake tattoos for my brother's wedding so her and I put them on to mess with people. It kind of grossed me out. Call me weird, but I hate stickers, face painting, pen drawings on the body. Makes my stomach queasy.

My favorite part of the night was the announcement of Uncle Bob's gift for his family which includes two teenagers. Evidently he was in Tennessee on business and went to a party where there was a hookah. He thought it was the coolest thing in the world so bought one for his family to share. Ah, what?! Haha. This made me chuckle.

Yeah.

Christmas Day was quite nice but rather tiring for we had to rise and shine early to wish my bro, his wifey and their darling daughter adieu before they ventured off. Gifts were opened and hugs were given. My Aunt Bernie came over and we had a most delish meal. We then sat and watched Lifetime movies and basketball.
It was pretty great. As usual, I felt super sad as the sun went down, knowing that Christmas Day was nearing a close. Aloud, I repeated over and over "Christmas is not over. It's not. Gotta keep the spirit up." to which my parents would nod their heads and say something reaffirming. They are very aware of how sad I get when it ends, hence why we always keep the decorations up well into February, if not later. I had to work the day after Christmas which proved to be hell on earth. No one was in the mood, let me tell you. I praised a customer who was still rocking Christmas attire and she said it is still the season! Twelve days of Christmas! I was very appreciative that she felt that way.

Sesame Street encourages it and so do I: Keep Christmas with you all through the year!

Mannequin in the Back Seat.

Multiple people referred to me as a "real elf" yesterday and one person asked me if I'm still in high school (I'm 27).. More people asked me how I'm always in a good mood to which I speedily replied that I've actually been having a bad year and have been feeling subpar, but ya know, ya gotta do what you gotta do, and that I feel very positive about the next year. They seem shocked; how can I be a singing, dancing real elf and yet have been so down. Well, it's a true story people. And I'm proud to say that I have not cried in public in quite some time. In fact, I am actually literally feeling very fine as of late. Things are looking up! In other news, I kept thinking a mannequin in the store was an actual person and repeatedly would freak out Seriously, I'd look over and do a semi-scream "AAH!"  I told a customer this and she replied, "If you think that one's bad, you should see the mannequin in the back seat of my car." Dead serious.

Also, been contemplating Christmas songs. I don't like how in "Rudolph" the singer always asks "but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?" If he is the most famous reindeer, recalling him should be pretty easy, duh. And "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is straight up terrible. If you believe in Santa, that means your mom is cheating on your dad with him. TRAUMATIZING. Alternatively, if you think it's your dad in the suit that means there is no Santa and that is also very sad and traumatizing. And who really wants to see their mom make out with anyone?!




Aaand for your viewing pleasure may I please suggest "The Year Without A Santa Claus" and "Sesame Street Christmas". "The Year Without A Santa Claus" is pretty much 51 minutes of pure crack. The Heat Miser and the Snow Miser are simply amazing. And Cookie Monster steals the show in "Sesame Street". He keeps trying to contact Santa but will eat the phone and the type writer, etc, thinking they are cookies. Hilarious!!!!

Trapped in the Closet Fund!

OH MY GOD. I'm not an avid OMGer but this totally warrants it: R. Kelly has written 32 new chapters to "Trapped in the Closet". CAN YOU STAND IT?! I CANNOT! I CANNOT, I TELL YOU! SIMPLY CANNOT!!! This hands down is the most excited I've felt for life in a long time. Oh, and I definitely bought Chapters 1-22  for a dear friend's Christmas gift.

Here's the juice from TMZ:

http://www.tmz.com/2011/12/21/r-kelly-trapped-in-the-closet-32-new-chapters/http://www.tmz.com/2011/12/21/r-kelly-trapped-in-the-closet-32-new-chapters/

R. Kelly needs funding -- AND QUICK -- because the singer tells TMZ he's ready to film THIRTY TWO new chapters of his legendary hip-hopera "Trapped in the Closet" ... but he needs financial backing first. 

When we last saw "Trapped" ... the year was 2007 and Kelly had released 22 chapters, involving a little person who crapped his pants ... a neighbor with the spatula ... and a pimp with the stuttering problem. 

Now, Kelly -- who was leaving an L.A. gym yesterday -- tells us he wants to continue the saga -- "but it costs a lot of money to do ... so we're actually looking for investors."

_________________________________________________________________________________

We need to all pull together and start an R. Kelly fund IMMEDIATELY. He may be a total sleaze, but he is also a total genius.

Exhibit A:

=Love.

I'm Not Your Honey.

A few entries back I touched  upon the fact that I am not aging at all. In fact, I basically look the same as I did when I was six but taller...and I am not tall. It's that everyone I encounter thinks that I am 17 (I'm 27) and then think it's okay to refer to me as "honey". You're three years older than me, you CANNOT call me honey. "You're so cute, honey, with your little Christmas socks and cute little boots, honey. You're like a little elf, honey." YOU ARE THREE YEARS OLDER THAN ME. GET IT TOGETHER!  I AM like a little elf but I am not a little elf, honey. "Are you on break from college?" NO! I graduated from college almost five years ago! "Are you old enough to ride the train alone?! You have your license, already?!" Really, people?! I'm not too upset about looking so youthful however. I know that I will be super young looking when I'm in my 90s and I'll make it work for me. I'll date the younger guys in the retirement home. When I'm in my 90s is pretty much the only time I'd consider a younger fellow. Plus, it's okay if I bloom late. I can still be a flower girl in a wedding (way less work than a bridesmaid). I can still be a child tv star. I have a lot of options really. But please, do not call me honey. I'm not your honey, honey.

Zooey Deschanel.

More and more people are telling me that I remind them of Zooey Deschanel. They say: "You're always singing like Zooey Deschanel." "You're awkward like Zooey Deschanel." "You're funny like Zooey Deschanel." "You kind of look like Zooey Deschanel." Here's the scary thing-as much as I'm aware that Zooey Deschanel is the IT girl, she annoys the hell out of me. Granted, she can sing and was in "Elf" and she wears cute skirts, this I will give her. But to me, she tries too hard, isn't naturally funny and makes her eyes way too large for no apparent reason. Honestly, I almost wish some of the stuff that came out of my mouth so naturally would stop somewhere before rolling out. Today I told a guy that the inside of his sweatshirt looks like a sheep that he could name Ralph. Um, who says that?! Anyway. Back to Zooey...Her zaniness often comes across to me as a chick who doesn't have much of a clue. I'll tell you what, I've got a clue. .Sometimes I even think she could use a slap in the face. Not a whack mind you, just a civilized slap. Well, though I remind people of Zooey, and I actually have a clue, I'm not the blowing up the national scene like she is. I will BLOW YOUR MIND, this much is true. But it seems awfully unfair that this girl, who is a more annoying version of me, seems to be getting all of the limelight. I wonder if I have to become more annoying in order to be successful? This would be annoying, becoming more annoying. Oh well. Well, in conclusion: I am not Zooey Deschanel. I give her props on her limelight action and I feel positive that my time will come. Or not. Or yes. The end. Bad blog.

Hall and Oates/2012/Random!

My best pal, Cash Money/Bird, threw this number my way: 719-266-2837 aka the Hall and Oates Hotline. A HOT line indeed! She claimed that if I called, my life will improve 100% and she was 100% correct. If you're in need of some improvement, please call.  Naturally, I pressed number two which played one of the best songs ever, "Rich Girl". So good. By the by, if you're looking for a twist to the classic hit, try the Young Gunz version. A little more hip to the hop. Anyway, I then decided that Bird and I need to live in the same region again, tape Jazz Shoes Part Two (aka me dancing furiously) and carry a boom box around blasting Ol' Dirty Bastard.-The kind of clean fun we did in college but way better because we're getting better every year. This would make 2012 totally grand. 

Speaking of 2012, it has to be the best year of my life or else I'll be writing some complaint letters. Not really sure who I'd address them to yet, but believe me, they'd be getting sent out. Basically, I have hated this current year with a deep passion that I didn't know was possible. I believe that such a shitty year MUST be followed by a totally spectacular one...or else the world is over, an alternative that I'm fine with at this point (jokes! aah?). This is the first time EVER that I'm actually looking forward to the year being over more than Christmas. I LOVE Christmas but I am really going to love a fresh start. Oh, Bird also brought to my attention that one of the best places to start over is South Dakota. http://finance.yahoo.com/news/6-best-cities-for-starting-over-in-2012.html. We may move there if things don't shape up ASAP.

In totally different news...I currently have to wear black for my seasonal employment which is almost over (thank goodness). Next year, I may never wear black again, true story. I also may never cry again. I've cried so much this past year that I could have fixed the world's water shortage problem. I've been working a ton but I make peanuts and spent more than I should have on a singing turtle. He makes me laugh though so I suppose it's worth it. My seasonal work is supposed to be my version of a sabbatical while not being completely broke. Not too sabbatical to be working from 6:45am-3:45 and to be dealing with PEOPLE (oh brother), but I think I'm recharging in other ways. The once dreaded car ride is proving to be a great place for me to catch up on conversations with myself and also to sing. I forgot how much I loved singing....and talking to myself. Never run out of things to say. No awkward pauses. 

What else. Oh yeah, the country life. Well, in the city I'd be out at all hours, no qualms, walking around, free bird. In the country, I have to carry a flashlight and wear a reflective vest when walking past 4pm. Dead serious.  There are no lights here. There are wild animals. Seriously WILD. And the street isn't even totally paved. I'm living on the edge. As peaceful as the howling of unknown animals is, I look forward to hearing the sound of sirens again.

And finally, I've made an executive decision to let go and allow the universe to run its course. That's what my Elle.com horoscope has advised and I can't say that I disagree. All good, folks, all good.


I'll leave you with this, a video of a song that is very near and dear to my heart, and so very relatable (oh brother). I chose the remix because it makes you feel that much more nuts. And it's good for cardio!

Why'd You Leave Me?!

"All a brother wants for Christmas is to have you back in my life." Drink some hot cocoa with kahlua and unwind to this sultry (aka terrible!) jam. So cozy for the holidays what what.

Weazel Ball

My dad went away all week on business and was kind enough to return with tidings of great joy for my mom and I. From Cracker Barrel, he bought for me a Weazel Bal,l and for my mom, a Happy Hamster. He was SO excited to get them running for us, shuffling around the house to find batteries and a box, because they look better in boxes. He said his colleague loved them so much he also bought them. Um, what?! At least I know why I have bought people yodeling pickles and donkeys that dispense cigarettes from their ass as gifts in the past. Quirky gift giving must run in the family.

Oh no! Just when I thought I was over my ridiculous gift giving phase, I was so inspired by my dad that I bought this today: ----------->
I said it was a "gift for the family". This turtle sings "Puttin' on the Ritz" (classic jam) and is dapper and charismatic. What REALLY made me want to get him, is the fact that he TAPS HIS FOOT. Something about that foot tappin', I just couldn't walk away.

Rags enjoying the holidays!

La Parca!

Check out my bro and friends' new clothing line enterprise! Not sure what to get that special someone this holiday season? Nothing says I love you like a shirt with a nun holding a dagger! Think about it! La Parca is not just any ol' clothing line however. Check out the site and you'll see witty music and food reviews, as well as sharp cultural and opinionated articles. These boys know what's up. So hurry up and get it to it already! You won't be disappointed!! http://www.laparca.com/

Dear Santa....

Yes, this is a pic of me wearing a Santa suit as I unwrap gifts. Yes, I still fit in it.

Most wonderful time of the year is here already. Time certainly does fly. I was always really adamant about writing to Santa and making up my wish lists. And every Christmas Eve I'd leave out veggies for the deer and cookies for the big man. I didn't just leave milk to wash down the sweetness though. I figured Santa would be stressed and tired from his long trek so I'd ask my parents what Santa would like to drink and left out brandy, wine and gin and tonics. I'm sure he appreciated that. My mom recently found Christmas lists that my brother and I had made up when we were little.

Mine (please excuse the spelling. I was six):

1. Nois making Santa at Jorden Marsh.
2. At least one stuffed animal from anywhere.
3. One REAL rabbit please. Just one. Simcocks is probly still selling them poor things for 85 cents. I'll take this gift befor too if you want. Please! From Santa please or you!
4. One uge surprise! Please! But if you get me something very good you don't have to get me something uge!
5. Me seeing, Stepheny, Cortney or Nicole which one trie please! How to get phone number we have Courtneys and Nicoles and you probaly can get Stephenys. They said she remembers me!

As you can tell, I really like animals, both real and stuffed. This hasn't changed. Those poor bunnies! On sale for 85 cents! So sad! I had just moved when I wrote this so I missed my friends. I like how I don't care which friend I saw. I just wanted to see one of them. Also, I think they remembered who I was!

My brother's list consists of ten million hip hop albums. I'd expect nothing else from him. And if you haven't checked out all of these discs, you probably should.

1. Guru-Jazzatarr
2. Ice Cube-Amerikka's Most Wanted
3. De La Soul- Buhloone State of Mind
4. Kris Kross-Da Bomb
5. Da Youngstas-The Aftermath
6. Gang Starr-Daily Operation
7. Brand Nubian- Love Me and Leave Me Alone.
8. Mighty Souls of Mischief-'93 to Infinity
9. De La Soul-De La Soul is Dead
10.  KRS1-Name Not Available
11. Diamond + the Neurotic Psychotics-Stunts, Blunts + Hip Hop
12. The Pharcyde-Bizarre Ride to the Pharcyde
13. Flavor Unit-Roll Wit the Flavor
14. A Tribe Called Quest-People's Instinctive Travels
15. LL Cool J- 14 Shots to the Dome
16. Redman-Whut Thee Album
17. Nirvana-In Utero
18. EPMD- Business Never Personal
19. Boogie Down Productions-Criminal Minded
20. D-Nice-To The Rescue
21. DJ Magic Mike-Bass the Final Frontier
22. Geto Boys-Ain't with Being Broke

CD Player
2 Turntables
DJ Mixer
Microphone
Karl Kani T Shirt
CD Rack
The Nile River
Dallas Cowboys Hat
Combat Boots

I don't think Steve got EVERYTHING at once but I'm over 100% sure that he owns all of those albums.
He did end up with all of that dj equipment eventually as well. Though, there was a period when he was scratching my Sesame Street Fever album on my record player.

Oscar's Grouch Band.

My niece stayed at my house last week which was great because a. she's cool and b. I watched Sesame Street aka the best show ever. I was a huge fan of the Street growing up. Watch it, eat an apple, sit on a rock. Pretty good times. I even wrote a letter to Sesame Street when I was younger expressing my enjoyment. They sent me back a handwritten postcard. Good shit! Last week I watched an episode where the drummer from Grouch's Grouch band quits and Elmo steps in. It is SO GOOD and it's on demand! Could life get any better?!

My Favorite Holiday Albums!

I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS! LOVE. Most wonderful time of the year! The lights and shimmer create warmth against an otherwise dark night (or evening really...gets dark at 4pm ugh). The music is cheery and hopeful. And those who are not too caught up in the business of it all, can hopefully find time to take it all in and to let their hearts be merry and bright. While I'm a sucker for holiday tunes, I'll be the first to admit that there are a few songs that make me want to shoot myself. For instance, "Christmas Shoes" about a kid's mom dying and meeting Jesus. Real uplifting, no. Especially when sung by a dying cat. Terrible! I prefer my cats alive!


My top holiday albums/artists are as followed:


1. The Rat Pack Christmas to me is the BEST Christmas album ever. I love those crooners, bet your ass I do. Beautiful, timeless sound and kickass personalities. Can't beat it. A few years back I saw some Rat Pack impersonators at BB Kings and it was one of my favorite "concerts" ever. Deano was quite the character, let me say.


2. Vince Guaraldi's A Charlie Brown Christmas. Holy mackerel what an album! It's upbeat, jazzy and relaxing all at the same time. Win, win win!!!


3. Perry Como! Love this guy. I used to dance like mad to his holiday tape. "There's No Place Like Home For The Holidays"=Pas de bourree crazy style. Shimmy, shimmy ya!


4. Andy Williams because it really is beginning to look a lot like Christmas!


5. To satisfy my 90s pop self: the *NSYNC, Christina Aguilera and Mariah Carey albums. I'd be embarrassed but they're too damn good. I remember pre-ordering the *NSYNC album. That was quite the phase.


6. "Feliz Navidad" but pretty much only the original version. Gracias Jose Feliciano. Good lookin' out.


7. I'm a large fan of Paul McCartney's "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time". The bells are truly delightful.


8. His pal John did a nice job with "Happy Xmas" as well. 


9.Anything classic- Louis Prima, Gene Autry, Bing (though I heard he was a dick to his family), James Brown, Stevie Wonder.


10. Jackson Five Christmas Album. I was quite stoked to receive it as well as the Thriller disc from Santa back in the day. Good times, great oldies. Shimmy shimmy ya.


11. And of course: "Christmas in Hollis" (Run DMC), "Merry Mutha*** Christmas" (Eazy E), and "Santa's Rap" (Treacherous Three ft. Doug E Fresh) because the holidays mean hip hop you don't stop.


So if you're sick of the same ol' on the radio, check out these tunes and feel the merry and bold of the season! What!

Driving.

Driving frightens me. I was never your typical teenager, dying to get behind the wheel. In fact, I failed my first driving test. This was not entirely my fault however. My driving instructor was total nutter butters. She told me that she was thinking about having an affair. She also told me she wished she had followed her dream of learning how to cremate people. She would have specialized in dead children. Um, WHAT?! She never taught me how to parallel park. I could have chosen to take my test in two different towns, one that included parallel parking and one that didn't. Naturally, I chose the place that didn't include parallel parking in the test. Naturally, they added it to the test the very week I went in. The woman administrating the test was TERRIFYING. And mean. She told me I was going to fail as soon as I put my seat belt on. I was trembling. She said I would die with this kind of confidence. My instructor was chuckling in the background. Needless to say, the rest of the test didn't go so well. Lots of meanness and chuckling from them and trembling from me. I had more lessons, this time with a nicer, relatively sane guy. He never discussed dead children which I was quite thankful for. I passed my next exam with flying colors.

I'm really NOT a bad driver. I know how to do it. But I went to college in Boston and for the time I was there I only needed to drive when I came back to visit. And then I moved to New York City. No driving for me there. Now I'm back in the sticks and behind the wheel. I'm so grateful that unlike bike riding, I didn't forget how to drive. It does give me some anxiety though, especially with it being dark at 4pm.I was driving home from work around 5 the other day, tense as can be! There is a car behind me! I can see their lights! Ah! Ah! I'm gripping the wheel. Even the Christmas music was not calming. . It's funny to me that I have no qualms about being stranded in a city at 4am but driving home at 4pm scares me. And I always check my back seat multiple times. What if someone snuck in my car and is sitting there?! That'd be terrible! I drove home a bit later tonight and I was able to ease up a little. I think it was because there was practically no one else on the road. Score! I was able to sing both "Jingle Bell Rock" and "I Will Always Love You" with confidence and pleasure. I forgot how much I enjoy singing in the car. I used to actually be a semi good singer. I think that I'm not as good as I used to be and that must be because I haven't been driving as much. I hope that my time in the sticks will result in a better voice again. Maybe I'll be able to join a chorus!

Breaking Dawn.

I went to go see Breaking Dawn with my cousin/pal Katie. We laughed, shed a tear, laughed some more and grimaced. Lots of grimacing. Breaking Dawn basically is a porno that has more blood in it than Shark 3D. The movie starts out in a lovely fashion, sweet wedding nuptials between Ed and Bella. We both had a chuckle when vampire Emmett toasted the pair by saying that he hopes that Bella got a lot of sleep in the first eighteen years of her life because she has a lot of sleepless nights ahead. Hey now! Ah. Anyway, so it started off good and the honeymoon spot was quite nice. Things got steamy and whoa there and then bam! Blood!! Ladies, if you were afraid to have kids, this movie won't help! Grimace! Blood! Porno! Katie and I had to get ice cream after to recoup.

Shark 3D is also a must see. Katie and I went to see this gem a few weeks back in the ghetto East Providence movie theater. Movies there are usually $2 but since we went on a Tuesday, it was only $1! Win! This movie is RIDICULOUS. The premise is that a couple goes diving and the lady can't breathe and her guy won't lend her his oxygen tank. Not a good look man. She somehow manages to pull through but accidentally cuts his face with the boat's propeller. Really? Yes, really. The guy is scarred for life. Literally. The lady comes back a few years later with some friends. Scarred boy has meanwhile gone crazy so he and his buddy have been taking all different types of shark species and putting them into the lake. They feed people to the sharks and tape it so they can sell the videos. Shark Week is very popular afterall. If this movie doesn't sound amazing to you, well, there must be something wrong with you. Aah??

Goodbye, Regis!

I've been watching Regis since I was born. Literally. My mom always had him on since I was a wee thing. It's fitting that I've recently come back to my hometown in that I've been able to watch Regis' farewell shows with my mom. It's been an emotional couple of weeks saying goodbye to the guy we've had breakfast with for as long as we can remember. She was tearing up last night watching his special with Katie Couric. "I ate breakfast with Regis more than with your father!" Our eyes were misty this morning watching his final show, prompting my mom to confess, "I hardly cried at Stephen's wedding...or Karen's!" Stephen and Karen being her other two children. I laughed, it was true. It just won't be the same anymore. Change is tough. Though sad, I am also a bit inspired. I've learned recently that Reg didn't really make it in the business until he was 59 or so. At an age where most are thinking of retirement, Regis was just making his mark on his dreams. Goes to show that you gotta keep on keepin' on. You just never know when things will fall into place.

Call Security.

Ick! I was just in the shower and noticed that I was getting clean with a spider. It was just hanging out on the wall. So gross. I am still a bit soapy, tell you what.

Anyway.

I'm doing some seasonal retail work. Gotta make some money, yo! We were getting the 411 on what do in the case of a shoplifter and I had a flashback to my retail days in Downtown Boston. My supervisor today was telling us to never approach the suspect but to call security instead. I remember this one time working in Boston where this guy was trying to steal one of those insanely expensive Northface jackets. The loss prevention gal, who is around my size (aka small), tackled him. I wanted to be helpful so I jumped on him too. He carried us on his back up the stairs before he was able to fling us off of him. My other co-worker ran after him but his glasses fogged up and he lost sight of him. Then my manager got a bat and went outside to parole the streets. A classic instance of unsuccessful loss prevention. I don't think me tackling would fly at this place.

Wedding, Get Down!

My brother married his lovely lady last Friday. The wedding was a giant dance party and the most fun I've had in a loooooooooooooooong time. My bro's friend, DJ Paul Foley, was spinning THE JAMS. I'm talking, best music I've ever heard at a wedding EVER. Period. Lots of Motown and tons of soul.  His song transitions were seamless and he somehow found hip hop music that the old folks could get down to. My Gma commented on how she wasn't familiar with the music but how it's got that beat. This would be rap music, Grandma! People of all ages hit the dance floor. Even Gma was getting down. When she eventually got too tired to kick her feet, she sat in a chair and had people dance around her. Uncle Bob started throwing ones at her. My aunt mentioned something about feeling close to the Earth, whatever that means. And my cousin made my night with her keen observation on her father: "My dad's doing the James Brown with his knees. I didn't even know he could use his knees!" Classic. Hands down best part of the night is pictured below. Need I say more?!

Temporary Relationships.

I'm doing some temporary work to save some money and get back on my feet. Initially, the idea did not thrill me. I want my dream job now! But as I got to thinking about it, temporary work has some perks. It's only for an allotted time. When that time is over, there is the chance I will be asked to join the company on a more permanent status. I may decide to take the company up on their offer or I may decide to part ways. Maybe they won't offer me anything. I can't be too down on myself however because the terms were set from the beginning: temporary, no guarantee. Basically, this venture could lead to something. But if it doesn't, no harm, no foul.

Then it dawned on me: there should be temporary dating. Granted, dating is always temporary. Ya just never know when shit will hit the fan. Often though, I think people avoid getting into anything at all. Sometimes it's too much pressure. Or the scary notion that you'll like the other person more than they will like you. Or the opposite could be true. And of course, what if "the one" comes along while I'm dating this person? And will I really have time for myself anymore?

That's why we need temporary dating. Set terms for the beginning. For the person that has potential, maybe allot a three month maximum. For the person you'd be okay never seeing again but you realize you never go out and need to, one week. Whatever! You can even set hours like in jobs that way you don't have to worry about losing yourself or any of that other crap. Oh and if "the one" comes along while you're in the middle of your temporary relationship, it's all good. If you're dream job comes along while you're doing temp work,  you'd approach your temp supervisor in a professional manner, let him/her know you loved working there but something has come up, and then you follow your dream job. All good. Oh and let's say you want to date multiple people at once, as long as it's outlined, all good. Sort of like how you can do freelance work on the side of your temp job. Here's the beauty of it, when the time is up, there are a few possible outcomes and (hopefully) no crazy people to deal with. There could be the "see you never" option, a possibility for an extension (which can be negotiated) and in rare cases, a commitment. Sometimes in dating, you think it's going great and the other person all of a sudden has gone missing. To avoid all of that heartache, much like in the workforce, temporary dating can have the option of an evaluation at the end. Too needy, called too much, not hot, no chemistry, crazy, etc. I think this would work out great. At least then you'd know what went wrong instead of wondering. Hopefully this won't happen, but if the person you're temporarily dating gets clingy/crazy towards the end, you can always say, "You knew the terms of our dating." Wonderful. Half the time no one knows the terms of dating but in this case, it's written out infront of you and no one can say they didn't see it coming. And hey, even if it doesn't work out, both parties will have something to add to their dating resume and will know what to work on. In temp work, at least you're still making money and doing something with your time. In temp dating, maybe you will eat somewhere new, gain a date to a wedding you'd otherwise dread, or get laid. I think all in all, temporary dating would be a brilliant idea. Perhaps if I make enough money doing temporary work, I'll open up a temporary dating business.

TMNT!

I was doing laundry and rediscovered this shirt. I remember it as if it was yesterday, but it was really two years ago. I told a cab driver I liked his shirt. He took it off his back and gave it to me. I tried to politely decline but he was so adamant about me having it. He gave Charlie a shirt too. Thank God he was wearing multiple shirts. We then took pictures with him and his fellow cab driving friend.

Sketchy Overload.

I lived in NYC for four years. It was fun but it beat me down. I'm regrouping back at my parents' house. I'd feel lame about this except for the fact that I'm awesome. Anyway, sometimes I get sad I'm not there still. I was eating dinner with my parents tonight and my mom raised an excellent question: "Is there anything about New York that isn't sketchy? Your last landlords were kind of sketchy. That one roommate, she was sketchy." Her list went on. Touche, mom. Touche. It's safe to say that my New York experience was a sketchy one.

Take for instance, my job (one of many). I worked for a non-profit counseling kids. I really enjoyed some aspects of it and DID feel like I saved some souls (true story!), oh but the sketchiness was fierce. For one, the place underwent an FBI investigation involving peddling and kickbacks. And to think I never got a raise! I also worked with the craziest people ever. Former Santeria follower turned Mother of God cult addict was just one of many people who made me question my sanity. The place was for lack of a better term, SKETCHY.

Then there was the periods of apartment hunting and random roommates. I've done this in Boston and people are nuts there too but the NY roommate search was something else. I went to this one apartment and the guy who lived there told me the cat shits in the tub, hope that is not a problem. Ah, yeah, no problem at all...WHAT?! This guy also had jars filled with crabs in formaldehyde. On the walls, he had hung paintings he had created of crabs doing recreational activities such as riding bikes. WHAT?! And to think, HE DIDN'T CHOOSE ME. Sketchy!

I went on a date once which involved a dude having me install steel wool into the cracks of his apartment so he wouldn't get mice. Sweet way to work up an appetite buddy. Somehow I didn't mind this. Still, SKETCHY.

And there was the time I was watching the Red Sox at a bar and met a guy. Right after meeting him, he tried to bring me to a public bath house. I got all the way there before I decided this is too sketchy even for me and ran away.

Of course my experiences at the doctors were always sketchy as hell too. There was the time I got cut my thumb on a can and it bled for four hours. I went to see the doctor the next day. I called in and told them what happened. The doctor told me that it was too late to get stitches so he prescribed me some ointment and then he sent me down the hall for a hearing test. The person administering the test asked me why I was seeing Dr. Lerch. I told her about my thumb and she said Dr. Lerch is a hearing specialist. WHY DID THEY SEND ME TO A HEARING SPECIALIST FOR MY THUMB?!

A year passed and I was bit twice by a pitbull, once in my shoulder and once in my ass. I called the doctors, told them what happened and they rushed me in. DR. LERCH AGAIN! He muttered about  how pitbulls aren't good dogs, prescribed me an ointment and then told me I should get my hearing tested! REALLY DUDE?! I wised up from my last trip and was like "NO! I don't need a hearing test! I got bit by a pitbull! Jesus!"

Another time I had to get a blood test, and as always, I started to get woozy. I passed out with the needle in me and ended up lying down on a table. They brought me water, not even juice! And then they stuck the needle back in me! REALLY?! You get blood, I pass out, and you want to stick it back in me?! Great!

And then of course this happened:

SKETCHY

These are only a few of the sketchy encounters I've had in the Big Apple. There are so many more. Some of them are so terrible I may have to save out until my official memoirs are published. Still, I love the city. I do however think this break is much needed.

I'm Not Aging. At All.

I've been going through a lot of old pictures lately and I came to the realization that I have not aged AT ALL. Well, that's not exactly true. When I was really little I had blond hair then it went totally dark and I looked the same as I do now but shorter (and I'm not tall). In sixth and seventh grade I resembled a totally different person, slightly pudgey, rockin' George Costanza glasses (so terrible) and a sunflower vest. Then eighth grade came and I looked like me when I was six except with highlights. Currently I look even more like I did when I was six somehow. It's strange. My young look was reaffirmed a few weeks ago when my cousin and I were buying Micheal Buble Bubbly (so awesome) and the liquor lady thought I was fifteen and that was a stretch. OH BROTHER. I'm sure all of this will be great when I'm in my eighties.

Also strange is that I did the exact same hand pose (alright, different hand) in pics when I was a legit baby that I do now. Some things never change...

MOTHER!

My mom's been racking her brain trying to come up with a song to dance to with my bro at his wedding this Friday. I keep trying to convince her to do "Mother" by Danzing. She said though she LOVES it, there's no way in hell. If and when I ever get married, my groom best dance with his mom to this song.

The Song That's Getting Me Through!

The last few months have been quite "are you kidding me with this right now?" But things are surely looking up! Music always helps me feel better (except for those songs that make me sad, duh). When I'm not listening to Christmas music, classic rock/jams or the Rat Pack, I turn to "The Pursuit of Happiness" by Kid Cudi. Like the Kid, I also shall not slow my roll! Judge me not! Or judge me. I don't care!

I Wish I Could Be a Drag Queen.

I went out for the first time in quite some time for my future sister-in-law's bachelorette party. I was surprised to find myself on a party bus. They used to always park outside of the club next to Merc releasing wild women into the streets. I never pictured myself on one of these buses, being released. The music was bumpin' and the ladies were ready to get down. First stop on the party train was Jacque's Cabaret. First night out in forever and I'm going to a drag bar, great place to meet a guy! Jokes. But I honestly can't think of anywhere I'd rather have been. I first went to Jacque's five years ago for my sister's bachelorette party and had been back to celebrate a Labor Day since. The drag queens "werked" it. The last couple of months had sort of beat me down, but I was actually starting to feel inspired and full of life again. I'm not usually a jealous person but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel any green monster pangs. I wanted to strut my stuff to Niki Minaj and get tipped for it. I wanted to get low and wear feathers and glitter. Unfortunately, since I can't be a drag queen I think the only way I'd be able to accomplish this is for me to become a stripper. This doesn't seem fair to me. These ladies were living my dream! Ah, such is life. 

Great Aunt Evelyn is the SHIT.

My Great Aunt Evelyn is the SHIT. She is nearly 88 years old and is the most with it, positive, spit fire I've met. A real badass. She was really sick last year and in and out of hospitals like whoa but never lost her determination or gumption. She knew she was going to get better and kick it in her apartment again. The power of positive thinking is quite grand. She has one of those life lines now in case of emergencies. So if she falls down or catches a thing, she can pull on it and help will come. She wears it all of the time and didn't really even know how it worked...until one day when she was using the bathroom. Somehow the way she was sitting made the life line clash with the toilet. All of a sudden she heard a large, booming voice say "EVELYN OLIVAL ARE YOU OKAY?!" Aunt Evelyn was completely freaked out by this. Where was this voice coming from? She ran to her phone, no one was there. The voice kept booming. It dawned on her that her building must be on fire. She ran into the hall. Not a soul was there. Her walls kept yelling, "EVELYN OLIVAL, ARE YOU OKAY?!" "Hello, God???" After awhile, she realized it was her life line and she set the story straight, "I'm fine!!!!"

She also told a great story about her intense urge to make Portuguese soup. Her craving and determination were running high and she needed that hearty kale broth. This story involved climbing ladders at 3am and sewing cheesecloth together but it came out great!

Anyway, Great Aunt Evelyn is the shit. She does what she wants when she wants to if she wants to. She is totally with it and has great energy. None of that old lady (or young emo) poor me shit.

New talents.

Being in a different environment is a great way to explore to new talents. Since being home, I discovered that I am pretty good at playing dominoes and EXCELLENT at finding ticks on my cat. However, I am not good at pulling off the ticks so I have to leave my finger on the critters until my Dad has the time to pull them off. Gross. The end.

I'm Sad REMIX!

I've done sad mixes with Bright Eyes and all that slit your wrist type of shit but this is my most up to date list. It makes as much sense as the rest of my life does. 

I'm Sad Music Mix:

Hang Me Up to Dry 3:39 Cold War Kids

What More Can I Say 4:55 Jay-Z

Encore 4:11 Jay-Z

Heart of the City (Ain't No Love) 3:43 Jay-Z

Guess Who's Back 4:16 Scarface

Stay Fly 3:57 Three 6 Mafia

Poppin' My Collar 2:57 Three 6 Mafia

Through the Wire 3:41 Kanye West

Dark Fantasy 4:41 Kanye West

Gorgeous 5:58 Kanye West, Kid Cudi & Raekwon

Brooklyn Zoo 3:37 Ol' Dirty Bastard

So Appalled 6:38 Kanye West, Jay-Z, Pusha T, Prynce Cy Hi, Swizz Beatz & RZA

Lost In the World 4:17 Kanye West & Bon Iver

Party Rock Anthem (feat. Lauren Bennett & GoonRock) 4:23 LMFAO

Beirut!

This review never "officially" made it up, so I'm putting it up myself, damn it! What.

Beirut’s sold-out show at Terminal 5 was a truly cinematic experience. The theatrics were not found in glamour and glitz but rather in the heart of the music which possessed a worldly feel. It’s the kind of music that makes you feel alive. The group, Zach Condon, Kelly Pratt, Nick Petree, Paul Collins, Perrin Cloutier and Ben Lanz,  appeared classy on stage sporting button downs and black pants. Like clockwork, they fluently switched from one instrument to the next. And these instruments are not just your typical guitar and drums. No sir. The usage of the accordion, piano, upright bass, euphonium, trombone, trumpet, glockenspiel and ukele came into play creating an epic orchestra affect that miraculously was not overbearing. Condon’s voice was controlled and strong with a certain beautiful rawness to it. Sometimes it almost sounded operatic while at other times it was gentle and smooth, always coming from a genuine place. The music at times reminded me of an awesome carnival that is romantic, dark, hopeful and imaginative all at once. 

Beirut’s live version “Nantes” was slightly more upbeat than it appears on the 2007 album Flying Cup and was definitely one of many big hits throughout the night. This song is a great example of how Condon is able to compose lyrics that are elegant and poetic yet totally relatable. From the same album, “A Sunday Smile” also proved to be quite popular with the audience as their voices chimed in, singing along to the heartfelt ballad. The groups’ diverse influences were apparent throughout their set which ranged from an almost big band jazz feel to softer folk and what felt like a Spanish fiesta. The piano and vocals in “Goshen” from The Rip Tide were delicate and mellow while “Mount Wroclai” from Gurlag Orkestar showcased Beirut’s Balkan folk roots and “The Akara” encompassed inspiration from Condon’s trip to Mexico.

The show was lively and full of energy and despite their lengthy set, it seemed to fly by in a fit of whimsy. Beirut appeared to be grateful for their warm response which resulted in not one, but two encores. The show closed perfectly with a spontaneous brass band jam that brought on impromptu dancing and lots of happy feelings.

Another weird dream, shocker.

Aaaand...


Last night I dreamed I was hanging with a friend and she desperately wanted to eat at this certain restaurant to celebrate Bangladesh (a Jewish holiday??). We had like one dumpling each (which had been left on our table) but could not decipher the menu for the life of us so we had to leave. On the way home, a cop pulled me over for driving the car from the back seat. He then brought me to a mud pit where people were biking and made me walk the line. The line was muddy and not straight. I asked him if he wanted me to walk straight or to follow the line which was actually diagonal. He then released me and let me drive home.


WHAT.

The Latest Terrible Dream

Well, last night I had a dream that my brother's friend was trying to get me a job. There were all of these convicts and I had to pretend I was them by wearing their (very gross) shoes so they could roam freely. I kept wondering how I'd be able to fit in all of these men sneakers. At least it was a paying job.

Yellow Jacket

Me: Saw a yellow jacket in the house. Not sure where it went.
Dad: I have a white jacket in the closet. Are you sure it isn't that?


AAAAH.

My parents just got back from hanging out with some monks. They said if I am willing to shave my head I have a good chance of getting in. 

Who You Gonna Call??

Decorating for Halloween. I like any excuse for lights and animated objects. This guy dances to the Ghostbusters Theme Song. Good times.

Hiatus.

I'm on a huge hiatus from life. I've traded in the bustling city for the countryside. I went for a walk today. It's around a mile each way on my street. I'd have to walk a mile to the subway from my apartment in BK. There, I would have to dodge cars and people. I would pass endless restaurants, bodegas, hip happenings. In the country I passed lots of woods, a farm or two, one neighbor (the tree cutter who was cutting trees at the time), sheep, horses and a dog kennel. Ah. WHAT. I've been having trouble sleeping. I got up at 4am today, hoping that if I watched some tv and got my mind of stuff that sleeping would come easier. My dad was just getting up. He fixed himself a short Bloody Mary and I opted for cranberry juice. At 5am he announced he was going to go upstairs to shave. My parents have been quite supportive and lovely. My mom encourages long walks by the ocean. Good for the soul she says. I'm getting three square meals here. Literally for the dishes are not round. In addition, it is great to be reunited with my dear cat Rags. Rags is so handsome and chill, very Dean Martin-esque. He knows he is a looker too. He stares at himself in the fireplace. Great self-confidence.  I have decided I can read cats way better than human boys. I know when cats want to be left alone and I know when they'd like a petting. Cats always come back though. Belly rubs are too good to give up on completely. Anyway, gotta go frost a cake. 

See You In Your Dreams

I was walking home last night and this disheveled in his own right, loopy looking man stopped to tell me "It's so crazy! You were just in my dream and now you're here!" I replied, "Oh yeah, nice to see you." He then thanked me for showing up. I was doing laundry today and that same man was in there. Today he compared the dryers at this laundry mat to the one three blocks away, saying these are hotter, and told me not to eat a lot of meat, among other things. 

Rejected Again.

Charlie and I spotted another hot homeless guy today. We asked him if he wanted food and he rejected us. WHAT DO YOU WANT THEN? Sorry we don't have heroin. Did you want to come home with us? Watch me ask this dude to come home and he says no. Not good for the self-esteem. Not good at all. Last time Charlie and I bought a homeless dude a hot dog he requested two. We didn't think of it until we came back and all of a sudden there was his hot homeless girlfriend. So now on dates I have to pay for you and your girlfriend? This is getting to be bad for the soul. At least in Boston when I'd buy homeless dudes food they never had girlfriends. They were never very sexy though. 

Vincent D

And on a lighter note!


I saw Vincent D'Onofrio from Law And Order: Criminal Intent in Union Square yesterday. He was taking a break from his bike ride to sit on the steps and talk on the phone. I studied him for just a moment and realized that he IS his character. That's kind of frightening but also sort of amazing. 


Additionally: I REALLY WANT A CAT.


Oh and to make myself laugh I did this yesterday----->


People are a lot smarter than they look for everyone seemed to miraculously avoid the peel. Not that I was looking for any serious injuries of course.

Interview In An Alternate Universe.

Had a job interview scheduled for 10am on Monday for a music publicist position. It's not necessarily the dream, but I like music (when it's not terrible) and am creative and love to write. Plus, income is necessary. Somehow I manage to get to the area around an hour early. I circle and walk around for a bit. 9:40 rolls around and I decide it is okay for me to head up. I go in the building. I tell the receptionist desk-man guy where I need to go and he looks at me like I'm an idiot and informs me that the building is JUST private condos. Ah, wtf. So, I head outside feeling quite confused. I check my email and the guy I'm meeting with had confirmed the address that I was at. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! I call the number on the website it rings and rings. Finally a voice picks up and tells me I've got the wrong number. UGH. WHAT alternate universe am I in?? Anyone?? So I had my friend do some sleuthing and she found a number to a different division of the company. I call it. The guy tells me I had the right addy but the desk guy is kind of a prick. I go back. The guy I'm supposed to meet with isn't there. He's driving back from Upstate New York. Okaaay. Somehow, I tell the guy that is there how I can't ride a bike and other nonsense. Shocker. Interviewer calls office. He is going to be really late, could I come back Wednesday? Oh brother. I told the dude that was there I'm wearing the same outfit, no judging. 


Wednesday rolls around. I was amazed that I had a wind considering I had gotten home from work past 2am. I was definitely loopy though. I met with the big cheese and he was cool shit. I liked what he was saying. I thought, I'm into this. Committing to work or anything is scary to this lady but I could maybe handle a few real hours here. Big Cheese asked me how my day was looking and if I'd be able to come back to meet his business partner. I told him I had to volunteer in Harlem at 1pm so we settled on 11:45. 


Well, the business partner guy doesn't meet with me until around 12:30. He obviously asked me what music I've seen that I like. I named so many bands and artists. SO MANY. And OF COURSE of all the bands I said, he brings up the one with the guy I liked in it. Then brings him up. "Heard he's leaving the band. Maybe moving." UGH. REALLY DUDE. I CASUALLY asked if he was definitely moving. Business partner guys retorts with "Why? Are you in love with him?" You're asking me this in an interview?! "I could see why, he's a really sweet guy." JESUS. KILL ME NOW THANKS. Business partner guy then tells me how he appreciates all of the free work I do, shows I do things for the right reasons. In my head I'm thinking, it shows that I am BROKE. BPG also decides he does not wish to pay me. He is into the idea of a trial period. "Any idea of how much this would pay once the trial is done?" He replies "Well, it's more of a project based thing." So, basically I'm an intern and then am sort of freelancing? This was NOT listed as an internship by the by. It was listed as a REAL job. Free is not paying the bills. Oh, and I'm NOT in college anymore!!!!


I never made it to volunteering but I did manage to cry in public again! Score! And then I went and reviewed a show for free!

Yuck.

So much terribleness to discuss but let's just say for now, I have a splinter in my left foot and ate moldy grapes today. Well, yesterday now. I also had two beers spilled on me at work and when I went to declog the toilet the shit got on me. SO GROSS. Additionally, idiot parades. This one dude asked me for a business card REPEATEDLY. He said he hangs them up on his wall to mark where he's been. Great, you're 13. I told him REPEATEDLY we didn't have any. Eventually I offered up a business card a guy had given me. Dude acted offended as if HE was the dude I'm not calling. Brother. My foot really hurts. Much like entry "My Shit Is Dying" this is just summing it up, not actual roots of problems.

After storm.

This Irene lady was rather dull for me. Nothing like the exciting Hurricane Bob back in '91, now that was a good time! If anything, Irene made me gain some weight. All good. Definitely made chocolate walnut cookies (though they're closer to dough honestly) and ate lots of pizza and crackers. Jonesin' for some fresh air, I walked around a lot today. So many people close to my age were out yet the only person to speak to me was a French guy in his seventies. And he chose to speak to me in French. Of course he did. I somehow spoke back in broken French. I had to say "je ne sais pas!" (I don't know)  and "je suis desole mais j'oblies les langues" (I'm sorry but I forgot the language...or something?) a lot. I did get that he has been in the States for 5 months and is a professor of art. He has exhibits coming up and made me take down his email address but I don't really think I took it down properly because really I had no idea what he was saying. I also have no idea why he chose to talk to me. After our semi-long conversation where neither of us knew what the other was saying, I continued on my aimless wander. I heard an "excuse me". I turned around. A middle aged woman is now trying to get my attention but after one look at my face she changes her mind. "I'm fine, never mind!" Or brother. I wondered if I had something weird going on with my face or if the wind blown hair look frightened her. I continued on.


I got antsy being in my apartment again so decided to head out for another rendezvous. This time a shriveling elderly woman approaches me on the street. She points to a bench nearby with homeless people sitting on it. Or not, maybe they weren't homeless. I don't know.
Elderly lady: "Do you see those girls?" 
Me: "Yes." There are two girls hanging with some dudes. 
E.L. "What are they doing?"
Me: "I don't know."
EL: "Well, do you know them?"
Me: "No."
EL: "Do you think they should be doing that?" 
Me: "What are they doing? I don't know? I don't know them."
She looked at me, totally disgusted, and walked off.


The other day in a park some guy talked to me FOREVER about how things were different when he moved here in 1984. Then asked me if I would be his dinner partner. Dude, I was BORN in 1984. No thanks. 


Who are these people? Why are they talking to me?

Deerhunter!

I reviewed Deerhunter at Webster Hall on August 22nd. I think I may love them. For the few hours I was there, I was too busy being dazed to remember how over August I am. It's easy to do a write-up of something you LIKE too. The words just flowed right outta me. Hey!


SHAZAM! http://houselist.bowerypresents.com/2011/08/23/deerhunter-dazes-webster-hall/

My Lovely Parents Paid Me A Lovely Visit!

My parents visited the other week. I really like them...and I don't like everyone...seriously. They arrived on Monday with a big box. Inside the box: a sweater I bought in Canada years ago consisting of tons of tiny Christmas trees and two penguins holding flippers, a Snoopy kite I bought in high school and have never used, pajamas with holiday cats on them, another set of pajamas (color aqua), board games and lots of beautiful jewelry that my mom had made. They arrived mid-day. One of my mom's favorite things is to clean out closets and organize so she helped me form bags of clothes to donate. My dad took a nap. Being crafty, my mom also fixed some of my dresses which have either stretched out or don't fit me because I have gotten shorter. We trekked to Salvation Army but it had JUST closed so we gave my three bags of unwanted goods to a guy on a street who "works at a shelter". Eh, someone will use them. We then ate dinner. 


Tuesday. Tuesday began with breakfast as every day should. We hit up Jimmy's Diner in Williamsburg. I remembered why I don't go there often. The atmosphere's kitschy but cute  and they play oldies. This I like. Mini donuts=amazing. I also dig the funky food pairings. My mom and I opted for the tater tot bowl. My dad went for a hash thing. The problem is after a few bites, the stomach does not feel spectacular and you start to wonder if you really like tater tots. Still, I'll probably go back. After breakfast, we checked on the cat I was watching (me, watching a cat? shocker...) then hit up the East River Ferry. The parents and I walked around DUMBO for a bit and then boated back to the Burg for some good ol' Meatball Shop. Gotta say, the Meatball Shop in Williamsburg is more spacious and less noisy than the one in LES.  Much like my parents, I am more of a hamburger fan but everyone's gotta try these balls. Not too shabby. The drink of the day was gin and soda with crushed strawberries and mint leaves. Simply divine. I have since tried to recreate. Post-eats, we hit up the new Nitehawk theater. Very enjoyable. The theater is quite intimate with only around 30 seats per theater and was perfect for our viewing of "Midnight In Paris". This was my second time seeing this movie and I'm not super impressed by many films (or much of anything really) but I LOVE this movie. LOVE. 


Wednesday. Breakfast of course, this time at Ella on Bedford Avenue. Had a bacon scramble. It was quite delish. Good meal to prepare us for CONEY ISLAND!!! Only the best place EVER. Of course the train ride there proved to be quite ridiculous.

Captain Spaulding?

This guy starts talking to my dad. I guess it's good my parents were in town so the crazies can speak to them and leave me alone for once? Anyhoo, the guy works in the voice over biz and specializes in horror movies. For the entire ride he talked about the weirdest stuff ever. I wish I had a tape recorder. Ah. So he played a ghoul in one of the "Saw" movies and is really tight with some dude he kept referring to as Captain Spaulding. The guy told us that when his mom passed there was a huge framed photo of Captain Spaulding on her coffin along with tons of black roses. Captain Spaulding is such a dear and he helped to pay for the funeral! Going out to dinner with Captain Spaulding is always a treat. He always throws fake worms or blood in the food to freak people out. He's nuts! Out of his mind! Captain Spaulding always  uses HIS OWN BLOOD in horror movies. None of that fake blood stuff! Not for the captain! One time I had to bleed in a movie and they sliced part of my head open. It really hurt but that's what the captain wanted!!! SO MUCH STRANGE TALK. When he exhausted Captain Spaulding, dude discussed boxing and wrestling with my dad. My dad loved it. My mom referred to the train as the "first amusement ride of the day". 


Coney...Well it WAS fun but it WAS hot. We had to keep ducking in the shade to remain cool. Feeling thirsty, we stopped for a drink along the boardwalk. My mom opted for an icy, I went for the classic h20 and my dad got a Heineken. We sat and savored. Then I threw them on the Thunder Bolt. Spins round and round. My mom enjoyed the music as did I. My dad turned a pale color. A little Wonder Wheel will fix him. Um, no. Just as the car began to SWING my dad admitted he did not feel so well. Oh boy. Only one more time around. My dad sucked on mints and tried to feel better, fervently searching for a banana. THERE ARE NO BANANAS ON CONEY ISLAND. We left soon after. Color eventually returned to my dear father's face. We ate some dinner in the 'hood and went to Big D's.


Sadly, my dad had to go to a meeting in Yonkers Thursday afternoon so they left after breakfast. My mom and I barely touched our eggs. I think we were egged out at this point. Their visit was totally great and I'm sad they left. Sometimes I think I'd be better off if I was just twelve for life.