Dear Santa....

Yes, this is a pic of me wearing a Santa suit as I unwrap gifts. Yes, I still fit in it.

Most wonderful time of the year is here already. Time certainly does fly. I was always really adamant about writing to Santa and making up my wish lists. And every Christmas Eve I'd leave out veggies for the deer and cookies for the big man. I didn't just leave milk to wash down the sweetness though. I figured Santa would be stressed and tired from his long trek so I'd ask my parents what Santa would like to drink and left out brandy, wine and gin and tonics. I'm sure he appreciated that. My mom recently found Christmas lists that my brother and I had made up when we were little.

Mine (please excuse the spelling. I was six):

1. Nois making Santa at Jorden Marsh.
2. At least one stuffed animal from anywhere.
3. One REAL rabbit please. Just one. Simcocks is probly still selling them poor things for 85 cents. I'll take this gift befor too if you want. Please! From Santa please or you!
4. One uge surprise! Please! But if you get me something very good you don't have to get me something uge!
5. Me seeing, Stepheny, Cortney or Nicole which one trie please! How to get phone number we have Courtneys and Nicoles and you probaly can get Stephenys. They said she remembers me!

As you can tell, I really like animals, both real and stuffed. This hasn't changed. Those poor bunnies! On sale for 85 cents! So sad! I had just moved when I wrote this so I missed my friends. I like how I don't care which friend I saw. I just wanted to see one of them. Also, I think they remembered who I was!

My brother's list consists of ten million hip hop albums. I'd expect nothing else from him. And if you haven't checked out all of these discs, you probably should.

1. Guru-Jazzatarr
2. Ice Cube-Amerikka's Most Wanted
3. De La Soul- Buhloone State of Mind
4. Kris Kross-Da Bomb
5. Da Youngstas-The Aftermath
6. Gang Starr-Daily Operation
7. Brand Nubian- Love Me and Leave Me Alone.
8. Mighty Souls of Mischief-'93 to Infinity
9. De La Soul-De La Soul is Dead
10.  KRS1-Name Not Available
11. Diamond + the Neurotic Psychotics-Stunts, Blunts + Hip Hop
12. The Pharcyde-Bizarre Ride to the Pharcyde
13. Flavor Unit-Roll Wit the Flavor
14. A Tribe Called Quest-People's Instinctive Travels
15. LL Cool J- 14 Shots to the Dome
16. Redman-Whut Thee Album
17. Nirvana-In Utero
18. EPMD- Business Never Personal
19. Boogie Down Productions-Criminal Minded
20. D-Nice-To The Rescue
21. DJ Magic Mike-Bass the Final Frontier
22. Geto Boys-Ain't with Being Broke

CD Player
2 Turntables
DJ Mixer
Microphone
Karl Kani T Shirt
CD Rack
The Nile River
Dallas Cowboys Hat
Combat Boots

I don't think Steve got EVERYTHING at once but I'm over 100% sure that he owns all of those albums.
He did end up with all of that dj equipment eventually as well. Though, there was a period when he was scratching my Sesame Street Fever album on my record player.

Oscar's Grouch Band.

My niece stayed at my house last week which was great because a. she's cool and b. I watched Sesame Street aka the best show ever. I was a huge fan of the Street growing up. Watch it, eat an apple, sit on a rock. Pretty good times. I even wrote a letter to Sesame Street when I was younger expressing my enjoyment. They sent me back a handwritten postcard. Good shit! Last week I watched an episode where the drummer from Grouch's Grouch band quits and Elmo steps in. It is SO GOOD and it's on demand! Could life get any better?!

My Favorite Holiday Albums!

I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS! LOVE. Most wonderful time of the year! The lights and shimmer create warmth against an otherwise dark night (or evening really...gets dark at 4pm ugh). The music is cheery and hopeful. And those who are not too caught up in the business of it all, can hopefully find time to take it all in and to let their hearts be merry and bright. While I'm a sucker for holiday tunes, I'll be the first to admit that there are a few songs that make me want to shoot myself. For instance, "Christmas Shoes" about a kid's mom dying and meeting Jesus. Real uplifting, no. Especially when sung by a dying cat. Terrible! I prefer my cats alive!


My top holiday albums/artists are as followed:


1. The Rat Pack Christmas to me is the BEST Christmas album ever. I love those crooners, bet your ass I do. Beautiful, timeless sound and kickass personalities. Can't beat it. A few years back I saw some Rat Pack impersonators at BB Kings and it was one of my favorite "concerts" ever. Deano was quite the character, let me say.


2. Vince Guaraldi's A Charlie Brown Christmas. Holy mackerel what an album! It's upbeat, jazzy and relaxing all at the same time. Win, win win!!!


3. Perry Como! Love this guy. I used to dance like mad to his holiday tape. "There's No Place Like Home For The Holidays"=Pas de bourree crazy style. Shimmy, shimmy ya!


4. Andy Williams because it really is beginning to look a lot like Christmas!


5. To satisfy my 90s pop self: the *NSYNC, Christina Aguilera and Mariah Carey albums. I'd be embarrassed but they're too damn good. I remember pre-ordering the *NSYNC album. That was quite the phase.


6. "Feliz Navidad" but pretty much only the original version. Gracias Jose Feliciano. Good lookin' out.


7. I'm a large fan of Paul McCartney's "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time". The bells are truly delightful.


8. His pal John did a nice job with "Happy Xmas" as well. 


9.Anything classic- Louis Prima, Gene Autry, Bing (though I heard he was a dick to his family), James Brown, Stevie Wonder.


10. Jackson Five Christmas Album. I was quite stoked to receive it as well as the Thriller disc from Santa back in the day. Good times, great oldies. Shimmy shimmy ya.


11. And of course: "Christmas in Hollis" (Run DMC), "Merry Mutha*** Christmas" (Eazy E), and "Santa's Rap" (Treacherous Three ft. Doug E Fresh) because the holidays mean hip hop you don't stop.


So if you're sick of the same ol' on the radio, check out these tunes and feel the merry and bold of the season! What!

Driving.

Driving frightens me. I was never your typical teenager, dying to get behind the wheel. In fact, I failed my first driving test. This was not entirely my fault however. My driving instructor was total nutter butters. She told me that she was thinking about having an affair. She also told me she wished she had followed her dream of learning how to cremate people. She would have specialized in dead children. Um, WHAT?! She never taught me how to parallel park. I could have chosen to take my test in two different towns, one that included parallel parking and one that didn't. Naturally, I chose the place that didn't include parallel parking in the test. Naturally, they added it to the test the very week I went in. The woman administrating the test was TERRIFYING. And mean. She told me I was going to fail as soon as I put my seat belt on. I was trembling. She said I would die with this kind of confidence. My instructor was chuckling in the background. Needless to say, the rest of the test didn't go so well. Lots of meanness and chuckling from them and trembling from me. I had more lessons, this time with a nicer, relatively sane guy. He never discussed dead children which I was quite thankful for. I passed my next exam with flying colors.

I'm really NOT a bad driver. I know how to do it. But I went to college in Boston and for the time I was there I only needed to drive when I came back to visit. And then I moved to New York City. No driving for me there. Now I'm back in the sticks and behind the wheel. I'm so grateful that unlike bike riding, I didn't forget how to drive. It does give me some anxiety though, especially with it being dark at 4pm.I was driving home from work around 5 the other day, tense as can be! There is a car behind me! I can see their lights! Ah! Ah! I'm gripping the wheel. Even the Christmas music was not calming. . It's funny to me that I have no qualms about being stranded in a city at 4am but driving home at 4pm scares me. And I always check my back seat multiple times. What if someone snuck in my car and is sitting there?! That'd be terrible! I drove home a bit later tonight and I was able to ease up a little. I think it was because there was practically no one else on the road. Score! I was able to sing both "Jingle Bell Rock" and "I Will Always Love You" with confidence and pleasure. I forgot how much I enjoy singing in the car. I used to actually be a semi good singer. I think that I'm not as good as I used to be and that must be because I haven't been driving as much. I hope that my time in the sticks will result in a better voice again. Maybe I'll be able to join a chorus!

Breaking Dawn.

I went to go see Breaking Dawn with my cousin/pal Katie. We laughed, shed a tear, laughed some more and grimaced. Lots of grimacing. Breaking Dawn basically is a porno that has more blood in it than Shark 3D. The movie starts out in a lovely fashion, sweet wedding nuptials between Ed and Bella. We both had a chuckle when vampire Emmett toasted the pair by saying that he hopes that Bella got a lot of sleep in the first eighteen years of her life because she has a lot of sleepless nights ahead. Hey now! Ah. Anyway, so it started off good and the honeymoon spot was quite nice. Things got steamy and whoa there and then bam! Blood!! Ladies, if you were afraid to have kids, this movie won't help! Grimace! Blood! Porno! Katie and I had to get ice cream after to recoup.

Shark 3D is also a must see. Katie and I went to see this gem a few weeks back in the ghetto East Providence movie theater. Movies there are usually $2 but since we went on a Tuesday, it was only $1! Win! This movie is RIDICULOUS. The premise is that a couple goes diving and the lady can't breathe and her guy won't lend her his oxygen tank. Not a good look man. She somehow manages to pull through but accidentally cuts his face with the boat's propeller. Really? Yes, really. The guy is scarred for life. Literally. The lady comes back a few years later with some friends. Scarred boy has meanwhile gone crazy so he and his buddy have been taking all different types of shark species and putting them into the lake. They feed people to the sharks and tape it so they can sell the videos. Shark Week is very popular afterall. If this movie doesn't sound amazing to you, well, there must be something wrong with you. Aah??

Goodbye, Regis!

I've been watching Regis since I was born. Literally. My mom always had him on since I was a wee thing. It's fitting that I've recently come back to my hometown in that I've been able to watch Regis' farewell shows with my mom. It's been an emotional couple of weeks saying goodbye to the guy we've had breakfast with for as long as we can remember. She was tearing up last night watching his special with Katie Couric. "I ate breakfast with Regis more than with your father!" Our eyes were misty this morning watching his final show, prompting my mom to confess, "I hardly cried at Stephen's wedding...or Karen's!" Stephen and Karen being her other two children. I laughed, it was true. It just won't be the same anymore. Change is tough. Though sad, I am also a bit inspired. I've learned recently that Reg didn't really make it in the business until he was 59 or so. At an age where most are thinking of retirement, Regis was just making his mark on his dreams. Goes to show that you gotta keep on keepin' on. You just never know when things will fall into place.

Call Security.

Ick! I was just in the shower and noticed that I was getting clean with a spider. It was just hanging out on the wall. So gross. I am still a bit soapy, tell you what.

Anyway.

I'm doing some seasonal retail work. Gotta make some money, yo! We were getting the 411 on what do in the case of a shoplifter and I had a flashback to my retail days in Downtown Boston. My supervisor today was telling us to never approach the suspect but to call security instead. I remember this one time working in Boston where this guy was trying to steal one of those insanely expensive Northface jackets. The loss prevention gal, who is around my size (aka small), tackled him. I wanted to be helpful so I jumped on him too. He carried us on his back up the stairs before he was able to fling us off of him. My other co-worker ran after him but his glasses fogged up and he lost sight of him. Then my manager got a bat and went outside to parole the streets. A classic instance of unsuccessful loss prevention. I don't think me tackling would fly at this place.

Wedding, Get Down!

My brother married his lovely lady last Friday. The wedding was a giant dance party and the most fun I've had in a loooooooooooooooong time. My bro's friend, DJ Paul Foley, was spinning THE JAMS. I'm talking, best music I've ever heard at a wedding EVER. Period. Lots of Motown and tons of soul.  His song transitions were seamless and he somehow found hip hop music that the old folks could get down to. My Gma commented on how she wasn't familiar with the music but how it's got that beat. This would be rap music, Grandma! People of all ages hit the dance floor. Even Gma was getting down. When she eventually got too tired to kick her feet, she sat in a chair and had people dance around her. Uncle Bob started throwing ones at her. My aunt mentioned something about feeling close to the Earth, whatever that means. And my cousin made my night with her keen observation on her father: "My dad's doing the James Brown with his knees. I didn't even know he could use his knees!" Classic. Hands down best part of the night is pictured below. Need I say more?!

Temporary Relationships.

I'm doing some temporary work to save some money and get back on my feet. Initially, the idea did not thrill me. I want my dream job now! But as I got to thinking about it, temporary work has some perks. It's only for an allotted time. When that time is over, there is the chance I will be asked to join the company on a more permanent status. I may decide to take the company up on their offer or I may decide to part ways. Maybe they won't offer me anything. I can't be too down on myself however because the terms were set from the beginning: temporary, no guarantee. Basically, this venture could lead to something. But if it doesn't, no harm, no foul.

Then it dawned on me: there should be temporary dating. Granted, dating is always temporary. Ya just never know when shit will hit the fan. Often though, I think people avoid getting into anything at all. Sometimes it's too much pressure. Or the scary notion that you'll like the other person more than they will like you. Or the opposite could be true. And of course, what if "the one" comes along while I'm dating this person? And will I really have time for myself anymore?

That's why we need temporary dating. Set terms for the beginning. For the person that has potential, maybe allot a three month maximum. For the person you'd be okay never seeing again but you realize you never go out and need to, one week. Whatever! You can even set hours like in jobs that way you don't have to worry about losing yourself or any of that other crap. Oh and if "the one" comes along while you're in the middle of your temporary relationship, it's all good. If you're dream job comes along while you're doing temp work,  you'd approach your temp supervisor in a professional manner, let him/her know you loved working there but something has come up, and then you follow your dream job. All good. Oh and let's say you want to date multiple people at once, as long as it's outlined, all good. Sort of like how you can do freelance work on the side of your temp job. Here's the beauty of it, when the time is up, there are a few possible outcomes and (hopefully) no crazy people to deal with. There could be the "see you never" option, a possibility for an extension (which can be negotiated) and in rare cases, a commitment. Sometimes in dating, you think it's going great and the other person all of a sudden has gone missing. To avoid all of that heartache, much like in the workforce, temporary dating can have the option of an evaluation at the end. Too needy, called too much, not hot, no chemistry, crazy, etc. I think this would work out great. At least then you'd know what went wrong instead of wondering. Hopefully this won't happen, but if the person you're temporarily dating gets clingy/crazy towards the end, you can always say, "You knew the terms of our dating." Wonderful. Half the time no one knows the terms of dating but in this case, it's written out infront of you and no one can say they didn't see it coming. And hey, even if it doesn't work out, both parties will have something to add to their dating resume and will know what to work on. In temp work, at least you're still making money and doing something with your time. In temp dating, maybe you will eat somewhere new, gain a date to a wedding you'd otherwise dread, or get laid. I think all in all, temporary dating would be a brilliant idea. Perhaps if I make enough money doing temporary work, I'll open up a temporary dating business.

TMNT!

I was doing laundry and rediscovered this shirt. I remember it as if it was yesterday, but it was really two years ago. I told a cab driver I liked his shirt. He took it off his back and gave it to me. I tried to politely decline but he was so adamant about me having it. He gave Charlie a shirt too. Thank God he was wearing multiple shirts. We then took pictures with him and his fellow cab driving friend.

Sketchy Overload.

I lived in NYC for four years. It was fun but it beat me down. I'm regrouping back at my parents' house. I'd feel lame about this except for the fact that I'm awesome. Anyway, sometimes I get sad I'm not there still. I was eating dinner with my parents tonight and my mom raised an excellent question: "Is there anything about New York that isn't sketchy? Your last landlords were kind of sketchy. That one roommate, she was sketchy." Her list went on. Touche, mom. Touche. It's safe to say that my New York experience was a sketchy one.

Take for instance, my job (one of many). I worked for a non-profit counseling kids. I really enjoyed some aspects of it and DID feel like I saved some souls (true story!), oh but the sketchiness was fierce. For one, the place underwent an FBI investigation involving peddling and kickbacks. And to think I never got a raise! I also worked with the craziest people ever. Former Santeria follower turned Mother of God cult addict was just one of many people who made me question my sanity. The place was for lack of a better term, SKETCHY.

Then there was the periods of apartment hunting and random roommates. I've done this in Boston and people are nuts there too but the NY roommate search was something else. I went to this one apartment and the guy who lived there told me the cat shits in the tub, hope that is not a problem. Ah, yeah, no problem at all...WHAT?! This guy also had jars filled with crabs in formaldehyde. On the walls, he had hung paintings he had created of crabs doing recreational activities such as riding bikes. WHAT?! And to think, HE DIDN'T CHOOSE ME. Sketchy!

I went on a date once which involved a dude having me install steel wool into the cracks of his apartment so he wouldn't get mice. Sweet way to work up an appetite buddy. Somehow I didn't mind this. Still, SKETCHY.

And there was the time I was watching the Red Sox at a bar and met a guy. Right after meeting him, he tried to bring me to a public bath house. I got all the way there before I decided this is too sketchy even for me and ran away.

Of course my experiences at the doctors were always sketchy as hell too. There was the time I got cut my thumb on a can and it bled for four hours. I went to see the doctor the next day. I called in and told them what happened. The doctor told me that it was too late to get stitches so he prescribed me some ointment and then he sent me down the hall for a hearing test. The person administering the test asked me why I was seeing Dr. Lerch. I told her about my thumb and she said Dr. Lerch is a hearing specialist. WHY DID THEY SEND ME TO A HEARING SPECIALIST FOR MY THUMB?!

A year passed and I was bit twice by a pitbull, once in my shoulder and once in my ass. I called the doctors, told them what happened and they rushed me in. DR. LERCH AGAIN! He muttered about  how pitbulls aren't good dogs, prescribed me an ointment and then told me I should get my hearing tested! REALLY DUDE?! I wised up from my last trip and was like "NO! I don't need a hearing test! I got bit by a pitbull! Jesus!"

Another time I had to get a blood test, and as always, I started to get woozy. I passed out with the needle in me and ended up lying down on a table. They brought me water, not even juice! And then they stuck the needle back in me! REALLY?! You get blood, I pass out, and you want to stick it back in me?! Great!

And then of course this happened:

SKETCHY

These are only a few of the sketchy encounters I've had in the Big Apple. There are so many more. Some of them are so terrible I may have to save out until my official memoirs are published. Still, I love the city. I do however think this break is much needed.

I'm Not Aging. At All.

I've been going through a lot of old pictures lately and I came to the realization that I have not aged AT ALL. Well, that's not exactly true. When I was really little I had blond hair then it went totally dark and I looked the same as I do now but shorter (and I'm not tall). In sixth and seventh grade I resembled a totally different person, slightly pudgey, rockin' George Costanza glasses (so terrible) and a sunflower vest. Then eighth grade came and I looked like me when I was six except with highlights. Currently I look even more like I did when I was six somehow. It's strange. My young look was reaffirmed a few weeks ago when my cousin and I were buying Micheal Buble Bubbly (so awesome) and the liquor lady thought I was fifteen and that was a stretch. OH BROTHER. I'm sure all of this will be great when I'm in my eighties.

Also strange is that I did the exact same hand pose (alright, different hand) in pics when I was a legit baby that I do now. Some things never change...

MOTHER!

My mom's been racking her brain trying to come up with a song to dance to with my bro at his wedding this Friday. I keep trying to convince her to do "Mother" by Danzing. She said though she LOVES it, there's no way in hell. If and when I ever get married, my groom best dance with his mom to this song.

The Song That's Getting Me Through!

The last few months have been quite "are you kidding me with this right now?" But things are surely looking up! Music always helps me feel better (except for those songs that make me sad, duh). When I'm not listening to Christmas music, classic rock/jams or the Rat Pack, I turn to "The Pursuit of Happiness" by Kid Cudi. Like the Kid, I also shall not slow my roll! Judge me not! Or judge me. I don't care!

I Wish I Could Be a Drag Queen.

I went out for the first time in quite some time for my future sister-in-law's bachelorette party. I was surprised to find myself on a party bus. They used to always park outside of the club next to Merc releasing wild women into the streets. I never pictured myself on one of these buses, being released. The music was bumpin' and the ladies were ready to get down. First stop on the party train was Jacque's Cabaret. First night out in forever and I'm going to a drag bar, great place to meet a guy! Jokes. But I honestly can't think of anywhere I'd rather have been. I first went to Jacque's five years ago for my sister's bachelorette party and had been back to celebrate a Labor Day since. The drag queens "werked" it. The last couple of months had sort of beat me down, but I was actually starting to feel inspired and full of life again. I'm not usually a jealous person but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel any green monster pangs. I wanted to strut my stuff to Niki Minaj and get tipped for it. I wanted to get low and wear feathers and glitter. Unfortunately, since I can't be a drag queen I think the only way I'd be able to accomplish this is for me to become a stripper. This doesn't seem fair to me. These ladies were living my dream! Ah, such is life. 

Great Aunt Evelyn is the SHIT.

My Great Aunt Evelyn is the SHIT. She is nearly 88 years old and is the most with it, positive, spit fire I've met. A real badass. She was really sick last year and in and out of hospitals like whoa but never lost her determination or gumption. She knew she was going to get better and kick it in her apartment again. The power of positive thinking is quite grand. She has one of those life lines now in case of emergencies. So if she falls down or catches a thing, she can pull on it and help will come. She wears it all of the time and didn't really even know how it worked...until one day when she was using the bathroom. Somehow the way she was sitting made the life line clash with the toilet. All of a sudden she heard a large, booming voice say "EVELYN OLIVAL ARE YOU OKAY?!" Aunt Evelyn was completely freaked out by this. Where was this voice coming from? She ran to her phone, no one was there. The voice kept booming. It dawned on her that her building must be on fire. She ran into the hall. Not a soul was there. Her walls kept yelling, "EVELYN OLIVAL, ARE YOU OKAY?!" "Hello, God???" After awhile, she realized it was her life line and she set the story straight, "I'm fine!!!!"

She also told a great story about her intense urge to make Portuguese soup. Her craving and determination were running high and she needed that hearty kale broth. This story involved climbing ladders at 3am and sewing cheesecloth together but it came out great!

Anyway, Great Aunt Evelyn is the shit. She does what she wants when she wants to if she wants to. She is totally with it and has great energy. None of that old lady (or young emo) poor me shit.