I Survived The Deli Counter.

The grocery store on a Sunday can be a huge madhouse. I'm talking, hello anxiety! I know I'm okay if I can make it through the deli counter. At times, I am anxious to even pick up the number, but I finally do it, thus marking the start of the waiting. The amount of inner dialogue that goes down in my brain waiting in line at the deli counter is insane. Will I hear my number? Oh shit. I picked up two numbers. Now I have to tell the person that no one actually has number 29. Ah. I hope I get the older lady. I definitely do not want to get the guy butcher. He's joking around with his co-workers but I just know he'll look down on me. What if they don't see me when I say "I'm 28" and then they move right on? Do I order the provolone, chicken, and Canadian bacon at once? Or do I pace them? Will they think I think they have bad memories if I don't tell them everything at once? Dead serious, that happens. I did end up getting that guy. He seemed appalled that I asked him how he was doing. I didn't ask for everything at once. It was rough, but I survived. Plus, dodging all of the other carts seemed relatively easy after that.

A sure sign that I'm no longer in the city: the crazy amount of animal sightings. There have been more than a few times where I've had to step on the brakes as a flock of wild turkeys casually walk across the street. This I am used to. But the other day, I had to stop for a fisher cat. Fisher cats are one of the largest animals in the weasel family and hold a rather Loch Ness monster type of vibe. You hear all of these tales of them coming out and killing the neighborhood cat, of their wickedly sharp teeth, and massive claws, but where the hell are they? Well, I finally saw one slink across the road the other day. Creepy as hell. Very glad Rags (dear cat) stays inside at night. That same week, I saw a dead baby pig in the middle of the road. No, I have no idea how this happens either. On a non dead, non creepy animal front, there is a new flock of little lambs on my street that are awfully cute. Their moms give me the stare down when I walk by. And the peepers (chirping frogs) are chirping like whoa. The baaaa-ing and chirping is mos def the soundtrack of spring. Delightful.

Oh this is what a fisher cat looks like: 

I did more research on them and it says they are "shy and elusive". I guess if most of the guys I have liked were animals, they would be fisher cats. I'm fine with shy, but elusive is getting me nowhere. Though, I would never date a guy that kills cats. ANYWAY.

So, here's one. During lunch, a teacher brought up how she bought coyote urine from Maine and spread it around her yard to ward off the deer. She said it cost a lot. Obviously, this sounds weird enough, but I can see how it would work. What gets me though, is how does she actually know it is coyote urine? I bet there is some dude pissing in a jar and making a fortune right now. So gross!

Signing off on this lovely spring evening. Roger that.

Kindergarten.

Today I subbed for a kindergarten class.

Here are some observations:

1. Kindergartners are cute and shorter than me.
2. The majority of the class cried for the first 45 minutes of the day because they missed their moms.
3. Crying kids forgot to tell me that they are buying lunch.
4. The one kid that didn't cry said he didn't like his mom because she yelled too much.
5. Be careful where you step during and after snack. I ended up with pink yogurt on my dress and chocolate pudding on my shoe.
6. Be sure to allot enough time to help zip zippers and tie shoes.
7. A kid may have an "accident".
8. 99% of the class likes talking at the exact same time
9. 1% of the class is too shy to even speak his name.
10. 25% of the class will want to go to the nurse 50% of the time.