Ballet! Beyonce! Coney! Work! Flutes!

Friday I went to see the dress rehearsal for the ballet "Giselle" at Lincoln Center with Rita. I of course was waiting for her in the wrong area hence why Lawrence was able to approach me. "Hi, I'm Lawrence." "Hey Lawrence." "You look beautiful today. Did you just go for a run?" "Um, no." I was wearing a skirt. He then proceeded to ask me my life story. Meanwhile, Rita is calling me to figure out where I am. I politely tell Lawrence it's been a pleasure but I gotsta go. Aah. REALLY. Anyway, the ballet is a haven for the elderly. There was this one chair that they would take breaks sitting on while entering the main room.

I really would have no idea what the ballet was about if we did not look it up. Evidently, this fancy guy disguises himself as a peasant so he can get hit it with all the peasant chicks before he gets hitched. Giselle falls in love with him but goes mad when his true identity is presented to her. She dies of a broken heart but comes back as a ghost and dances other guys to death. That's kind of badass. I'm sure I'll be dancing a lot of people to death while alive and also as a ghost. 

Saturday morning I had a sad dream that Beyonce was having an affair in my apartment with a snobby older guy with white hair. I was trying to be a good, supportive friend to Beyonce but was pretty heartbroken because cheating is bad and I'm a real big fan of HOVA. I woke up and went to Coney Island.

Coney Island is my sanctuary. Charlie and I hung out at Beer Isand for a bit. Naturally, we drank Mike's Hard Lemonades.  All of the waitresses that work there are extremely nice with enormous jugs and very trashy clothes. There was this group of guys who were out of control. They introduced themselves to us and when Charlie said her name all of them went "Oh yeah? My friend Charlie's locked up." Of course he is. The boys talked to us for a minute but really tried to mack it with the girls at the next table. Not going to lie, both Charlie and I were a little insulted. Thankfully, Angelo came back over and invited us to go to the Cha Cha Bar with them which made us feel a little less rejected.

After Beer Island, we hit up the flea market/petting zoo. Ummm...really?!

Then, we rode the Thunder Bolt and Wonder Wheel MANY times! Best place in the world!!

Going right from Coney to work is quite exhausting. For one, I was extremely dirty to say the least. My brain also had stopped working. At one point, a guy asked me what 22-6 was and I said "Honestly, right now I have no idea." I explained what I had been doing all day and he understood-Coney will blow your brain out.

Work was a bit nutter butters. There were these two wild 46 year-old women from Jersey Shore. Whoa Nelly! One of them had make the trek because she had a crush on a guy who wore a bucket hat and he was going to be there. He sadly ignored her so she threw herself LITERALLY at EVERY OTHER GUY. Good thing she does not like her boyfriend of 8 years much...Ah! She got all up and when I say all up I mean ALL UP in my 53 year-old co-worker's grill, saying he looks like Kris Kristofferson. She then for some reason (probably because she was bent and also completely out of her mind) thought that HE was my boyfriend and felt awful so she kissed me and apologized a lot for hitting on my man. It's okay, get off me! WHAT THE FUCK.

Cab ride home was kind of strange per usual. There was a bunch of trash leftover from White Castle where I was sitting so I put it in a bag I had and gave it to my driver. He appreciated it and then began talking. OF course. We talked music. He then puts on his Pakistani music and asks me if I like it. Next thing you know, dude whipped out two different flutes and is playing them for me. He gave me the whole history of the Pakistani flutes and how he likes to play alone and chooses to have no friends. People get concerned when cabbies talk on the phone while driving, no one even talks about operating a vehicle while serenading passangers. Ah, WHAT.

Birthday's Fast Approaching!!

My Birthday is right around the corner. I can only imagine what will happen this year. Every year something strange seems to go down.

Highlights of Birthdays Past:

Age 6-Got a pink tutu and a big bird doll. Best gifts ever.

Age 7-Had a party where all of the rich neighborhood girls sported their best dress and I was rockin' jeans and my fave shirt which had a bunny wearing sunglasses on it. We decorated mugs.

Second Grade Bday Party: Had a rabbit named Bucky who we bought off some folks. They had caught Bucky from the wild and the little guy was a terror, very much into biting and non-niceties. Our vet told my mom that we could let Bucky hop around in the yard and then he'd come back in the house calmer. This worked nicely for weeks, until my party when my dog Poochie ran after Bucky and KILLED HIM, interrupting a fun game of ring around the rosy.

Lots of pool parties and make your own burrito shindigs happened in the next few years...

16th Birthday was fun and sort of normal. My friend threw me a surprise birthday party and the boy I hearted biked over for it. He gave me a hip hop cd with "Rappers Delight" on it because I had rapped it on our school's television show.

18th Birthday was also the day of our Senior Superlative Dinner. I went home with the "Most Talkative" award which meant I got a plastic cell phone filled with weird candy.

21st Birthday was a complete shit show. My birthday fell on a Monday that year. I was working at City Sports in Boston at the time and had purposely requested a 9am shift on my day of birth so I would not go out and get drunk at midnight but instead go out on Monday night. Failure. Midnight rolls around and my two friends are buzzing my apartment. We went to the worst bars ever. We went to some place to shoot pool where I drank something called The Grateful Dead and met really sketchy guys who wanted to bring us to Dorchester. We then went to our campus' main bars, also pretty lame. I got REALLY wasted. Granted, I DID show up to work on time. The problem here however is that I threw up on merchandise. I had to damage out running pants and since I could not find the sku number, they kept getting sent back to the store. GROSS. They obviously sent me home early. At around 10:30am, I threw up on the street in front of a police officer. I then proceeded to throw up nonstop until 5pm. That night I went to the movies to see "Crash" because, yeah, that's uplifting.

Age 22- The night of my 22nd was also my brother's last night living in Boston. He had just accepted a job in Santa Barbara. So, he REALLY wanted to celebrate. We walked around Downtown Boston and he was relentlessly shouting "Portuguese Caesar". We then went to his favorite hangout, a strip club in Chinatown called The Glass Slipper. Fun thing to do with your brother. He was seeing one of the ladies at the time. I told the bartender I liked the glasses they served the drinks in so he gave me some as a birthday gift. My parents now drink juice out of them. They have no idea.

Age 25-I was at a bar kickin' it with some friends, when this guy I had professed love to multiple times from age 20-23 showed up. I did not invite him. I had not seen him in over a year (the last time I had professed love to him by saying: "I was in love with you when you were lazy, when your band sucked and even now that you have side bangs."). We have mutual friends and he knew I was going to be there. He then proceeded to talk to me for around 2 hours. Fun times. Irrelevant, but his present girlfriend is a LADY GAGA IMPERSONATOR. Aaah....Really?!

I killed myself in 2006.

I rediscovered myspace.

Oh God. Rediscovered my old MySpace page tonight. 


Old blog entries (there are more of these too)....and...nothing seems to have changed!!! Ha oh brother....


May 3, 2008...Random Thoughts From A Random Girl.

So I am entering my 24 karat gold year in a little over a month and thus leaving my Michael Jordan year. There was a long time during my MJ year where I was like damn, I'm totally retiring on top, fuck yeah. But as the days progress onward, my game seems to me lacking a bit. Granted, it's hard to keep up one's average and drive, etc. But if MJ could do it, so can I.

The question then is, how does one go from being the league MVP to maybe 6th man of the year at best to back on top? How does one recover?

Let's bring it back to age 19.  I was in my sophomore year of college and living with a bunch of girls on Columbus Ave in Boston. It was considered to be a legit brothel, so many girls involved. Of course I pulled the short straw and had to share a room with my friend.  Her "rapper" boyfriend (now fiance, of course) would try to serenade her with his rhymes (kill me) circa 2 am. It was a rough time to say the least. The zzzs were quite elusive and the sea was angry my friends. There were a lot of restless nights and are you dead serious about life right now (but not always in the haha way) moments.

Then, one day, the concept of living the dream and loving the life was introduced to me by a dear friend. My world changed. I literally woke up every day with a spritely foot, zest coursing through my veins. I knew that I had to go out there and grace the people, touch lives, be awesome!

Living the dream and loving the life totally changed my life. Though, unfortunately, it did not last. It didn't totally go away by any means. But the springing out of bed became more of a do I really have to get up...at all...ha....The MJ year, as aforementioned, is/was supposed to be an unflappable time in one's life. Pretty much like nonstop living the dream and loving the life. Yet, lately, flapping has occurred. Not good!  

 So, I'm really trying to get back to my roots. I would really prefer it if today was awesome but not as awesome as tomorrow and so on. That's a lot of awesome. I want to leave my MJ year totally stoked to be entering the 24th year of pure gold and so on. And even though, I am not yet 34, Charles Barkley year, perhaps the razor sharp wit and rebounding that Sir Charles embodies can also make an appearance in my life?? Maybe I can somehow manage living a MJ year EVERY year as well as a pure gold year and Charles Barkley year???

ANYWAY. I'm still trying to figure out how to do this. Back when I lived at The Palace with Bird I remember a list was compiled of AWESOME thing that needed to be done that summer/in general. Sidenote, I really love lists. Currently, the only things I remember from the list had to do with water balloon launchers and dressing up in camo and hiding in the plants in the Prudential Center...

I tried to recreate such lists last night, creating two lists. The lists are entitled "Adventures" and "Awesome". Water balloon launchers and camo are of course mentioned again. How can they not be? I'd also really enjoy swimming with sharks, riding an elephant, learning French totally bien, getting a new fucking totally rad job, not thinking, maybe training to be an assassin (?), tribal man geletin mold (again, ?)....among other things.... The list is long and it's still being written. But basically, Kristen of yesteryear but way more awesome will be emerging again soon. Living the dream and loving the life. Lots of high knees will be involved. Pretty soon Trillville's hot jam "NEVA EVA" will really hold a whole new meaning for me....

Also, if you're ever feeling down, may I suggest frequenting the local playground (in a non-sketchy kind of way) and swinging (on swings) especially while listening to amazing music. It's really something else.

Basically, live the dream and love the life...Ah, this blog it totally pointless. Then again, so is everything. Carry on.  

October 10, 2006...Bird and Many Men's Ideal Man

Current mood:quixotic

So, a while back Cassie Bird and I went on a lovely adventure to Chello's restaurant in Rhode Island. Clam cakes were involved. Good stuff.

On the way back we made a list of our ideal guy. This is a limited version of the list. I think it may explain why we will be single for pretty much ever. No guy can live up to this and we won't settle.

1.) Can't have name Steve.

2.) Should celebrate Christmas, Hannakuh and Ramadan.

3.) Won't give us flowers-only food and exotic plants. Lime/lemon plants are a plus.

4.) Must utilize chapstick discreetly.

5.) Hates cherries but likes cherry poppin.

6.) Must like Your Mom.

7.) Cannot under any circumstances where khaki pants.

8.) NO running shoes (unless running).

9.) Must like coffee...but NOT light and sweet.

10.) May NEVER say "light and sweet" except in reference to us.

11.) Must be cowboy/underwater explorer/astronaut/must put eagles back into wild.

12.) Must be able to breathe underwater.

13.) Must have visited Seals Island at least twice.

14.) Must like Block Island/Bob Marley/Guns N'Roses.

15.) Must be a hovercraft captain.

16.) Must like space/final frontier.

17.) Must have quick sharp (like a good knife) wit and come up with ZINGERS!

18.) Must know lyrics to every Notorious BIG/Weezer song.

19.) Recycles, but only on Tuesdays.

20.) Cleans out the lint trap.

21.) Cannot wear flipflops.

22.) CAN wear house slippers, but not made out of mink.

23.) Must occasionally sport a tool belt and red flannel.

24.) Must have watched SKINNED DEEP and LOVED it.

25.) CAN have glasses, but not the kind that turn into sunglasses..too crazy!!!

26.) Must be Brawny Man-esque.

27.) Cannot eat cinnamon raisin bagels.

28.) Must be ablazing speller/grammar machine.

29.) Must tell us we look fat/like shit (when we actually do).

30.) Must keep hydrated.

My Old Band....

Whoa. Chatting with Bird tonight and we got to talking about our old band Arabian Knights....There used to be songs up but something happened with those links. I'll try to get them up ASAP. I'm sure you can only imagine how good they were. This pretty much confirms that Bird and I need to live in the same region again.

http://www.myspace.com/arabianknightsrock

Bio:

Arabian Knights first started out in 2005 as a an all female Billy Joel cover band. They quickly realized however that chicks shouldn't be in bands and so they grew mustaches and formed Arabian Nights. Arabian Nights soon realized they were not only about night, but also day and thus they became Arabian Knights.

Member Since:

January 25, 2006

Members:

MC Mrs. Claus, DJ Wing$ and the 40 Thieves

Influences:

Billy Joel, the Weeze, Kelly Clarkson, Young Gunz, and Jason from Laguna Beach

Sounds Like:

A locomotive headed straight for a damsel in distress, tied to the train tracks. CHOO CHOO. Your baby blue Ugg boots in the trash compactor.

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things! What!

Well, I don't know what is going on in 2011 but I certainly do not feel as awesome as I could. I mean, I'm still The Shiiit big time, but something seems to be lacking. So, I started thinking about what makes me happy. And then I remembered that headbands make me happy. I used to wear headbands all of the time. Used to joke that they keep my thoughts in place. Maybe I've been more scattered because of my lack of hair flair. I am literally writing this while wearing a headband. I also really like cats. I think my quality of life was way better pre-death of Slash. Hanging out at BARC the other weekend put me in a great mood. So, I signed up to do that again. And I made a legit point of petting my pillow sheep, Axl, like he was a real cat today. Nuts, but hey, I want to be happy. I also like getting low. There was a point where I was solo dance partying nonstop. Please see video. Also please note, these are not my best moves. Repeat, not best moves! But getting low, so good! I definitely need to get back to dance class. I used to go four times a week! And I have not been in months! No wonder I feel low! Gotta get low to combat feeling low. Cooking. Cooking is fun. Tonight I sauteed kale, onions, mushrooms and tomatoes in chicken broth, red wine and olive oil, threw in some pasta and shrimp and HOLLER. Real delightful! I also made a cookie cake. I just was not in the mood to drop batter by the spoon so I just rolled that shit out. It's divine, I'm tellin' ya! I'm trying to think about what else I really like so I can do it and be happy. I know I like the color yellow and riding the Thunderbolt at Coney Island. Did you know you can request songs on that ride? AMAZING.

Off topic but a cautionary tale: do not buy knockoff garbage bags! This will happen:

Weekend Work/Cabbies are My Friends.

I was walking down Avenue A yesterday and heard this dude jingling close behind. I literally heard him clanking and I had headphones on. And I could see him out of the corner of my eye. I hate that. It's like tailgating without a barrier. Weird thing about the word "tailgating" is that it can mean driving way too close or eating nice food at an event. That does not seem to make sense to me. But then again, what does?! ANYWAY. So, all of a sudden the dude is running and I see that he is also smoking pot. Like, legit working out style running, not running from the cops running. I just feel that that is kind of odd because one would think that smoking would instill chill mode but in this crazy (and he did look crazy) dude it instilled fitness. Good for him.

Work. Well, work was ridiculous last night. 

The first band was very American Idol meets Korn meets Hippie Love. A dude in the band told me that when he was younger his parents put him in Indian Troup instead of Boy Scouts because they were hippies and in the Indian Troup he once caught a catfish and now can't eat catfish as a result. "Those things are crazy looking," he said, looking off into the distance. Yes, I do imagine something that looks a cross between a cat and a fish would be rather crazy looking and yes, I do understand why you opt for the chicken burrito and instead of catfish guaco loco at San Loco's.

I told the girl in the second band to "break her face". I feel like breaking legs is overrated. The drummer of this girl's band was doing full on running stretches before they went on. He said he always warms up before a show, aah haha. I also overheard him or another dude who looks just like him, also in the band, saying "I'm not a person! I'm not a person because I'm in a band!" Ah, so true! Jokes!

Another dude in a band (may I please apologize for writing "dude" so much) dropped his pick on stage so used the the cap from a water bottle to replace it. I admire his innovative thinking but even he admitted, not a great idea.

Work inspired me to draw this guy

One of the customers last night was wearing a leotard WITHOUT PANTS and may also have been a man. I understand not wanting to rock the pants but a bow in your hair is not going to make you look less of a slut. Sorry.

My cab rides home all weekend have been amazing. People give cabbies a bad rap but I think they're lovely when you break the ice. I told my driver on Saturday night that I liked his music and then he took the cd out of his player and GAVE IT TO ME. I have yet to listen to it but I'm pretty sure it is really LIGHT music and I may actually hate it but after working a really LOUD show it is so very welcome. Him giving me the cd is almost as good as when I told a driver I liked his shirt and he took it off his back and gave it to me. DEAD SERIOUS. I tried to resist but he insisted I have it. It was a Ninja Turtles tee. And Sunday's cab driver was a sweet man with 8 children and 35 grandchildren and they all live together in Park Slope. He was a real dollface. I am also reminded of the time the cab commissioner or something was driving me around. Dude was like a celebrity. He works in the office and oversees everything but sometimes drives around so fellow drivers feel like he understands where they are coming from. Every time we passed a fellow yellow car, there were honks and waves! I felt like I was kickin' it with the pope....or someone very much that is not the pope. 

May 20, 2011!

For Sarah's Birthday, we went to the Alexander McQueen exhibit at The Met. Alexander McQueen is one crazy mofo to say the least. The exhibit was really creepy and moody. McQueen was a fashion designer who labeled a lot of things "romantic" that I would not even consider wearing on a date! Ha. Really cool experience however and I highly recommend it. It's also a great test of patience-so many terrible people crowded so closely together! Ah!

The highlight of the day however was the pretzel cart pictured above. Wow. A slice of heaven indeed! An all natural hot dog topped with mustard and sauerkraut in a  PRETZEL BUN!! Can you even imagine such things?! And for the small fee of $3! Well, Holy Cow!

In other news, idiot parade is out in full force. Union Square was a madhouse for tomorrow we are all going to die types. For some reason, they were dressed in nightgowns? I am all for dresses, but perhaps in an ascension I'd opt for something that would hide the lady parts. But then again, fuck it! All very strange!

Yesterday I went into Big D's to scope out the scene and spotted a hipster dude scoping out the very smallest sizes of ladies wife beaters. For one, the term "ladies wife beaters" is kind of weird. Secondly, he was literally holding the shirts up against his chest. Horrified, I had to quickly leave the store.

A sort of hot dude in a band last night asked me if I wanted to go back to his apartment...BEFORE asking me what my name was...or....really talking to me at all. I feel like a lot of girls may have gone for it but I couldn't. Bang sort of cute dude in vest or drink a beer alone and go to bed? Number 2! Number 2! Aaah! What's wrong with me?!

Clogged Sink.

Up until yesterday, this was happening:

This is what is happening in my brain right now.

I just tried to put a stepping stool on my bed to change the lightbulb in my ceiling fan. FAIL.

I ran outside yesterday and could not walk for the first hour of this morning.

Yesterday I wore a white dress and it rained. I also did not realize that my dress was stuck in my underwear for at least ten minutes. Front side too. Whatever.

Monday Night

Tonight I am neglecting my improv responsibilities to do this: (see pic!)

There were multiple bands last night where the performers were all sitting down. People in bands should not sit down unless a. you're the drummer or b. you're paralyzed. I don't think any of these guys were paralyzed.

I wonder if jazz drummers are good dusters? My co-worker/friend thinks probably not-looks like they're just pushing it around!

Last night, the singer dude introduced the other members saying Jeremy is on drums and cymbals. Ah DUH. It'd be funny if he was just on drums and then like Pete was on cymbals.

I officially do not care about anything. Not even the lack of light in my room.

I used the George Foreman grill to make chicken today. Good call.

Putting a new shower liner in is such a  good feeling!

Having a denim bed set would be really funny but maybe not too comfortable.

Judgement Day is coming!!!

Is this Judgement Day an all day event? Do I have to clear the calendar? I was in my iced coffee joint aka sketchy corner store yesterday and all these old people were talking about Judgement Day. Well, the weather is going to be bad all week, that's because we are going to die. I really wish I could get to Florida before I died. If I died, I wish I could die in Florida. Congratulations! You're all IDIOTS!!!

I made my facebook status: 

Well, if we survive Judgement Day, weather is looking good for next week!

which prompted the following comments:

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    RIght. And when is Judgement Day again? I want to plan my outfit in advance
    

    45 minutes ago · I 
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    May 21st! It's gonna be a doozy seeing who's left behind! I plan on wearing yellow for irony's sake.
    

    42 minutes ago · 
    
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     Why is that ironic?
    

    25 minutes ago · 
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     Well, maybe because it is just really cheery? Or maybe because everyone else uses the meaning of irony wrong so I figured I would too. Not sure.
    

    24 minutes ago ·  ·  1 person
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    I'm really intrigued by this. The 21st will come and go and all the morons that actually think the world will end are going to be horribly wrong. But, they will obviously come up with some reason as to why the world didn't end. Morons.
    

    22 minutes ago ·  ·  1 person
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     I just prayed to Jesus on this and HE said that judgement day was January 2nd, 43 A.D. and that we are descendants of the "left behind" and that we should "suck it up".
    

    7 minutes ago ·  ·  1 person
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     Hahahahaha! I'm glad Jesus got back to you. He's been ignoring my calls. I think that sounds about right though. I mean, could it really get any worse?! Suck it up people!
    

    5 minutes ago · 
    
    

    •  I'm impressed how far they've gone to advertise Judgement Day. Subway posters? Bus Wraps? A big budgetary step up from the normal people handing out pamphlets in the subway.
      

      23 minutes ago ·  ·  1 person
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       Yeah, great marketing! I wonder if I need to clear my calendar Saturday. Just how long is all this judging supposed to last?
      

      20 minutes ago · 
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       http://judgementday2011.com/
      

      19 minutes ago · 
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       Well, it's been great knowing you guys!
      

      18 minutes ago · 
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       At least I get to celebrate my birthday on Friday without the looming fear of a Doomsday Earthquake...oh wait...
      

      15 minutes ago · 
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       I ♥ that May 21 is his *revised* date. They were wrong about 1994, but they've definitely got it this time!
      

      8 minutes ago · 
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       Kristen, 5/21 is basically just the beginning of the end. We'll have 5 months of torture and devastation before the world REALLY ends on 10/21. In that case, can we please hang out next week and enjoy the nice weather?
      

      52 seconds ago ·