Killah K's Day to Day!: Killah K Weighs in on Dating.

So, here are my thoughts on dating: it is the worst. There are a lot of terrible and unfortunate ways to die and I'm not entirely convinced that dating won't be the death of me.

June had me headed to New York. A certain dude knew I was coming and I was excited to see him. Once I arrived, said dude was "too tired" to hang out....for the entire weekend. This came after months of him pulling the Houdini act followed by the inevitable resurfacing to tell me how much he likes me. And I was dumb enough to fall for it. So, I'm in NY, the first two nights staying with friend and her fiance; the fiance whose name is of course the same as the dude who just blew me off. Again. To make matters worse, of course my friend and I saw Heathers the musical and watched Heathers the movie, aka this was a funny, campy movie except now that is real life and is about everyone dying in a school and hey, I work in a school, and this is depressing. My parents had gotten me a hotel stay for my birthday and so my last night in NY I watched A Long Way Down, a film adapted by a book by Nick Hornby which I enjoy, but of course, is about suicide and also, a bit depressing. Oh, and I cried relentlessly on fancy sheets. Good thing about this trip is I became officially over New York, finally.

July had me trying to "date around" as the good people say. It's healthy, they're telling me. Well, I went on a few dates with one guy, a postdoc at the age of 28; how the hell does that happen?! Also, why did I keep falling for musicians and now literally every guy is trying to be or is a professor? Two professions to cross of my list, for sure. Anyway. He was actually pretty great but I was still too sad over the NY Numbnuts that I couldn't handle it. Then, I met this other dude. He was too embarrassed to meet me in person, having "met" me online, so he just wanted to come over my apartment. Well, I figured if I didn't die, it'd be a story anyway. And I did ask him straight out: "Are you going to kill me", which he replied, "No, probably not." But seriously, not a good idea, people. Don't have random strangers come over your apartment. Thankfully though, he did not kill me! Score! Well, this guy and I talked literally for an hour and a half. He had some good values, I didn't mind him, but it was an hour and a half. Two days later I received a paragraph text saying he is absolutely into me and asking if I felt the same way. He spent the next month and a half texting me and asking me to cuddle which creeped me out. I finally told him to stop and he agreed but not before asking if we could have a "physical" relationship. After I said no, literally two seconds later, he said he wants to be friends at least, that I'm cool. The next night he texted me at 11:30 pm, asking what I'm up to. Seriously, people?! Seriously??

Then there was the week where I went out with both a Jay and a JJ. It was becoming confusing to keep these dudes straight at this point. Summer is supposed to be a relaxing time, but it felt like I took on a new full-time, NON-PAYING, terrible job with weird hours. So much, "wanna get a drink at ten pm?" happening. Honestly, no I'd rather be in bed, or at least doing something summery like throwing water balloons than meeting with you over a drink at 10pm, but sure, let's do it! JJ was actually pretty cool but he had three kids; one of whom happened because of Osama Bin Laden, I was informed five minutes into the date. He needed some comfort from the terror of 911 and so ran into the arms of an ex and whoop, baby number one. WHAT?! The worst/best part about the night is that I bowled a 27. Literally, a 27.

Not all was lost-or so I thought. I did meet one guy that I actually liked and who made me forget about NY Numb-nuts. This guy has a crazy ex who messaged me that I am a "hore" all day, I kept texting back that truly I am not, and also, that is not how you spell whore. But I looked past the bad spelling incident and tried to give him a try. Unfortunately, I was a bit spent from my dating whirlwind, which includes more guys than have been mentioned, and was maxed out aka a huge bucket of nerves and dreadfully in my head. Can he really like me? Is he gonna disappear? Does he have secret children? I was starting to become crazy too. At one point he was stressed and told me to "not take it personally". In my experience, when a guy tells you to not take something personally, it usually means trouble is ahead. Warning signs! Because the phrase "don't take it personally" makes me think: well then, how the hell am I supposed to take it?! Recently, this dude fell off for four or so days. I felt the Houdini coming on. I went on Tinder. I'll swipe some dudes to the left, that'll make me feel better. Plus, I should probably see what is out there considering I am about to never hear from this guy again. Well, don't you know that Don't Take It Personally is on Tinder again, how convenient! And of course, this is where I become Crazy Killah and feel completely rejected, and send out a string of insane text messages even though I am way better than the way I am acting. Finally, my inbox is flooded with comments about how I am being cruel and how we aren't compatible anyway. He is allergic to cats, afterall. Here is a serious question: is every guy allergic to cats?! Seriously! IS EVERY GUY ALLERGIC TO CATS?! Speaking of being a cat lady; yo, cats can be total dicks, like guys. Cheddar Cat has chewed up my blinds and my legs, but you know what he hasn't done? He has not told me he will call and then not called, and he has not disappeared (except for that one time where he went missing in the basement)!!!!!!!

When it boils down to it, I am not looking for someone to see EVERY SINGLE DAY or to buy me fancy dinners or to have constant heart-to-hearts with. I just would like to meet a guy who can handle calling or texting me back and who, if he ever wants to stop seeing me, WILL TELL ME. Instead, there are the Houdini's and the claims that "I really like you, but we are not compatible" aka you're telling me a bunch of crap, but thanks. Compatibility is a bunch of BS. Well, maybe it isn't, but it has become a lame excuse for "this is too hard right now, but here is a buzzword that will get you off my back".

What especially kills me, is that every experience that turns south, has me second guessing myself and acting in a way that is not me. This is something that the Killah needs to work on. I should be very resilient by now-having been accused of grand larceny, having bowled a 27, having had bits of my heart chipped off since grade 3 or so, but I pretty much just feel like crap after all this. Usually, this is the point where I will start "working on myself". There was a long while where I worked so hard on myself that I became intimidated by me---who the hell can handle dating this totally fit, totally smart, totally awesome chic?! Well, it appeared that no one could. But ya know what people, it's lonely at the top, and as the great and wise Frank would say: that's life.