This is literally about nothing.

Conversation that happened ten minutes ago:

Me: I hate snow, man. Man...and men. Snowmen I am okay with. That's weird.

And no, I don't actually hate men. They're great!  To be all metaphorical and shiz, however, if men were snow, I am consistently finding the kind my neighbor's dog has already peed on.

Conversation was followed by this:

 That moment when you dump an entire container of rosemary onto your chicken.

This moment just comes days after this:

 The moment when you microwave your lunch in plastic.  The toxins really added a bit of punch to the flavor. True story.

And here, for your viewing pleasure, cat in a box:

Married Cousins.

The other day one of my students was talking about her parents.  I asked her how they met.  She casually said, "they were cousins." Then her face changed as reality sunk in. "THEY WERE COUSINS? COUSINS? IS THAT OKAY?!" she repeated for literally three minutes.  I responded with, "Yeah, totally fine. I mean, not having cousins makes dating really hard these days."

True story.

She went on.  "There's so much crying?"
Me: "Crying? Who's crying?"
Student: "I don't know. Everyone is crying. They can't find anyone to date and they cry. It's like, you've got ten years, then you can start worrying." You know, until you're like 21, she is basically saying.

I found this all to be quite funny.

Anyway. I'm completely over winter/boys/ACCESS test (standard mandatory blahs that I have to administer).

This one dude I saw on Tinder totally used the pics of a famous Polish actor and claimed to be him.  Took me like a day to figure it out. Should have taken me no time because there are literally no guys that attractive in the New England region. Shocking though, hot Polish guys?! I lived in a very Polish neighborhood and there were no hot guys there.

Winter is the worst. It takes me ten minutes to walk one feet.

People are the second worst.

Testing is lame.

I am going to go shop for a palm tree now.

Fender Bender Nixon.

Driving...

Ah. I was getting so good at it.

I was almost at the point where I'd occasionally have only one hand on the wheel.

The point where I was almost glad I traded in the cold walks to the subway with the scraping of the car windows.

The point where I could actually handle switching lanes.  

And then it happened: Backing out of my driveway, I somehow managed to hit a sign in my actual driveway. I was backing out, yes, but somehow the fender got stuck and well, bad news bears. Welcome to my life. Naturally, I was on my way to yoga. This is basically the opposite of yoga.  The deep breathing and all that must be paying off however because I wasn't even stressed! Not at all. The one teeny minute of WHAT?! came in as my dad called me as I was talking to my mom on the phone (they were in the same room), and then the auto-dude beeped in, but I recovered quickly from all the beeps and whatnot.  It also became a great opportunity for neighborly bonding as my neighbors Will and John forged together to take off the remaining part of my fender.  Good times.  And while I am not super pleased with the idea that my little funds will be going towards this instead of a road trip or whatnot, driving around fenderless will be sort of badass. I mean, why do I need to go anywhere during February break when I can re-watch Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee and eat burritos from the comfort of my own living room?!  Ideally, I would be able to get the same color in the fender replacement, but part of me would be okay with the fender being metallic gold or hot pink just for the ridiculous factor.

Speaking of Presidents Day, my friend was telling me about her second annual Prez shindig that she is throwing (which I wanted to go to, but since it is in NYC and I am officially broker, will probably have to pass). So, anyway.  The shindig, evidently it is great fun, but I suggested that perhaps dressing as a president should probably also happen?! And then, without warning, my mind flashed back to 7th grade when I read Nixon's memoirs and presented them to the class via Nixon sock puppet.  And then it hit me: I emphasized with Nixon because I felt that he must truly, really be sorry, this is what my sweet 7th grade self thought. But here's the thing, just because you think someone may be sorry for Watergate, doesn't mean they need you to make a sock puppet out of them. What I'm trying to say is that you can forgive peeps for acting a-fool but you don't have to play into it; you don't have to be Nixonized.  Did any of this make sense to anyone besides me?! Also, who reads Nixon's memoirs in 7th grade? Also, I am a liberal lady.

And that is all, Time to eat.

Post food revelation: I don't think I actually care about this fender loss/having to spend money on a new fender because I think I have officially given my last shiiiiiiiiiitz in general on stuff. It's a pretty wonderful feeling.  And now that I ate a burrito bowl and some brownies, I am going to make the worst decision of the day: yoga attempt #2. I really don't think one should go immediately after such meals....But as aforementioned, I could really care less!!!

Random in Review.

1. Sketchy guys on Amtrak---not into it.  So, I was on the train to NY on Friday and this older gent sits next to me and starts talking.  I am really bad at avoiding eye contact and not talking, so it turned into a 4 hour chat.  Three hours in, he asked for my number. Agh. Sometimes it is hard to say no, with there being an hour left and all, and the conversation isn't actually bad, but realistically, do I want to hang out with this way older man?? No. And then afterwards, there is the realization that the entire trip was actually sketchy and then you feel sketchy and bad.  But, on an a bright note---a couple of things to take from this.  One being that I have realized (for the millionth time) that fake numbers/nice rejections need to be on-hand at all times. Secondly, if you are looking to get a number or a yes to a proposal, the train with an hour left is a really good option for not getting rejected.  That, or in the middle of the night.  My best friend got proposed to when she was half asleep.  Dude had it in the bag! That, and she loves him and stuff.

2. Pants---so over them.  Once a year I try to put on pants and it just doesn't go well. I don't understand them.  They are long and hang in weird areas.  I have officially given up on them and have basically gone to tights/leggings with a dress in the winter.  I gotta say, the tights/leggings situation is also starting to get me down.  I walked around on Saturday in fleece-lined leggings that kept falling down to uncomfortable areas and I simply could not deal with my life.  I was honestly about ready to give up.  I think the moral of the story is that I need it to be summer and I just want to be free.

3. "Wild"--Reece Witherspoon movie.  My friend really wanted to see this because she was under the impression that it would be inspirational.  It was pretty inspirational, but mainly, I have realized how  much I don't want to do heroin.  I never really thought about doing heroin. I am fairly certain I would be terrible at it, especially considering that I am not good with fire and pass out with needles.  "Wild" has further emphasized my non-desire to add junkie to my extracurricular activities.  It has also made me not want to cheat on my non-existent husband.  I would, however, consider backpacking through the wilderness for 6 days, maximum.

4. Getting low as a way to express oneself.  5 stars.

5. Cute guys in yoga---mixed bag. Initially, I was pretty stoked to see an attractive, non-married, heterosexual dude partaking in limbering activities.  But in all honesty, his attractiveness made it harder for me to breathe properly and I fell down multiple times as a result.

6. Gospel music.  5 stars.  I went to my friend's mom's gospel performance on Sunday.  Amazing.  So much.  That is some ish that I can get into. So much clapping and (naturally) singing, right in my voice range, I'm telling you, I'm legit looking into joining a gospel choir.  Gospel choir will be my heroin,  

New Years.

Well, it's happened as it does every once per year: it's New Year's Eve. NYE is without a doubt my least favorite holiday of the year.  It comes fast, just a week after my favorite holiday of the year.  I think I'd rather take ten more single years on Valentine's Day than do New Year's Eve.  Okay, I take that back. I don't totally want to curse myself.  Sure, there is a lot of pressure at Christmas to find the perfect gift, catch-up with relatives, all that, but on New Years you have to do a lot of scary things: 1. Reflect on 365 days. 2. Plan for the next 365 days. and 3. Have the BEST NIGHT EVER! I woke up this morning and seriously considered going back to bed until tomorrow. Reflecting in small doses I can totally handle, but an entire year is a lot of reflection. And BEST NIGHT EVER! I definitely cannot handle that pressure.  Maybe because my version of the BEST NIGHT EVER! would be going to bed at like 10pm after watching Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, and drinking a couple of mimosas but NOT having to pee afterwards. Can you imagine drinking legit anything and not having to pee afterwards?! That really WOULD be the best night ever.  Legit even a glass of milk past 7 can ruin a night for me.  I'm going to be terrible at being elderly.

Anyway, I guess I could do a mini-year-in-review type of thing. Here goes....

Accomplishments:
1. Graduated from masters program.
2. Sort of got life together.
3. Got an orange cat.
4. Moved into cute apartment.
5. Can make it through yoga without having a laughing fit/can sort of do the wheel.

Things I've learned:
1. 99% of men love whiskey and craft beer.

Yeah, that's pretty much it for what I've learned...Though to go further: I went on a lot of dates in the last year and looking back it has been a pretty ridiculous experience.  I would like to see a cartoon version of myself going on dates.  I would sit  home and watch that on TV.  I guess I say that because I felt like I was in a cartoon on most of these dates, like I was dating the exact same person in a slightly different cartoon body over and over again. This was a weird paragraph. Pretend it didn't happen.

So, what do I want to get out of 2015?!

Answer: adventure! Well, adventure that happens before 10pm of course.  I have done a lot of the "getting life together" and now I am ready for "adventure before 10pm".  It's gonna be great!! Or something. It'll be something.

Sunday Reflections.

Sunday is a good day for reflecting, so here it goes.

A year and a half ago, I said to myself: I will be happy if in a year I have a real job, a cute apartment, and an orange cat to match my lamps.  All of these things have in fact come true, so if you ever hear me complaining, you can punch me in the throat.

The Pats won a heck of a game today.  They're really killing it lately.  They showed pictures of Tom Brady over the years and heck, he was a bit dorky at times.  Made me think that I should slow down when swiping left on the fellas.  Then again, how long do I have to wait until they grow into their manhood? Tom is 37.  Should I be lenient on dudes who are 35 and under? Give them the benefit of the doubt, bank on them Bradying in the next two years???

Speaking of, I made myself go on a bowling date this weekend.  It went well in the sense that I have improved my best score from 27 to 48.  Granted, still pretty terrible, but I really have come along greatly since my last bowling date over the summer.  Like last time, there were no sparks.  But it's totally fine.  To celebrate my singlehood, I went to Whole Foods post-date and bought myself flowers, chocolate, and a frozen meal to eat in my pajamas.  Best idea ever.  Post every date from now on, I plan on getting myself a consolation prize. This time it was food and flowers, next time it could be a brand new car. Who knows.

That's all she wrote for today.

I Simply Cannot Hang Out With You.

To better my chances of getting on the nice list this year, I took my Gma out for a rendezvous today.  She is a nice lady, but calls for a decent amount of patience.  The first stop was CVS because the cashier neglected to take off the right amount the last time Gma was in and used a coupon.  Gma, still insanely undone from having been chipped $3.00, insisted on returning the cough drops and vitamins.  They were tainted now, afterall.  As we left the store, Gma commented that CVS has gone to hell and that she won't be shopping there anymore.  To keep up the fun, we hit up the local dollar store.  Grandma said that she needed to get Mary plastic wine cups.  Mary is her friend from the assisted living.  Together, Mary and Gma spend their time hitting the wine and gossiping about fellow residents. The dollar store was a success so next up: Macy's! Here, Gma told the workers all about me, bragging about accomplishments, and such.  "She is almost done with grad school, and she is such a good driver."  Grandma is probably the only person who thinks that I am a good driver.

Speaking of being almost done with school, Gma told me today that it is too bad that I have schoolwork today, or else she would keep me out even longer. And then it hit me: In less than a month, my go-to excuse will be gone.  Yes, I am beyond grateful that my schooling is coming to an end.  As aforementioned in previous posts, all of those reflections are really getting me down.  Not to mention, my brain is basically fried. But, when one's load gets a little lighter, it is harder to say, "Well, I really would love to hang out with you but I have so much work to do." or "Oh, I'm sorry I couldn't possibly come over and watch your children all afternoon on my day off." Actually, that sounds like a pretty damn valid thing to say.  Anyway, I've literally been banking on this excuse for a year and a half now.  On the bright side, maybe I will learn how to say no.  What I really want to say is just, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry but I simply cannot attend." I think I will start doing that.  Oh, I'm terribly sorry but I simply cannot come to work today.  Oh, I'm terribly sorry but I simply cannot go out with you." This is great, actually. Who needs excuses, real or not? A simply cannot should suffice.