Subaru in a ditch.

The snow started falling around 2pm on Satuday, December 29th. Matt Noise, the NECN weatherman, predicted that it would come earlier.  He was wrong. But when it did start to fall, it totally blanketed the sleepy town of Dighton, Massachusetts. It was not until 9pm, when there was at least 6 inches covering the ground, that my dad, rocking a full track suit, decided to do something about it.  "I'm going out in the Subaru!" he announced.  "Who's coming with me?" No one went with him.  He was beyond excited to get out there, to finally get to use his four-wheel drive.  "The only thing that would make this better is if the power went out." He is dying for the power to go out so that he can use his new generator.  Anyway, dad takes off in the Subaru. Thirty minutes or so later he is back in the house.  He mumbles about the Subaru now stuck in a ditch in the side yard.  It slipped there as he was parking; the ride itself was beautiful however. Instead of getting down, he decides it would be a most excellent time to get out the snow blower. FYI: it's still snowing out. It's pitch black outside. Another thirty or so minutes go by.  He comes back in, totally exhilarated.  "It's all part of the great adventure," he says.

Triple A is called in the morning to get the Subaru out of the ditch.
The snow blower had stopped working and the driveway was not clear.
We shovel.
The snow blower starts to work again.
Triple A had to come back a few hours later, with a much bigger truck.
Breakfast happened.
Everyone is now happy.

Dad: Exhilarated!

Also, I DO love my dad.

Apology Letter.

Dear Killah K Fans (also known as my mom),

Please forgive me for my lack of posts the last two months.  It seems that all of the sugar and whatnot has turned my brain to cotton candy. Literally, there have been no solid thoughts passing through my head in at least 60 days. I vow to eat less junk and to make a conscious effort to produce solid cognition in the upcoming year...Or something.

Thanks kindly for your support!

Best wishes,

Killah K

All I Want For Christmas is a Hoover Vacuum.

There is this five year-old I know who really likes vacuums. I asked him what he put on his Christmas List and he said a Hoover Vacuum.  He was really passionate about it. He told me he received his first vacuum last year, a Eureka, and it was amazing. This was pretty funny. Today he came into school rockin' a shirt with a picture of the floor cleaner that reads "I Heart Vacuum Cleaners".  Are you dead serious?!

There was a religion clash in art class the other day.  One six year-old pointed out that another (a Jehovah Witness) can't even celebrate Christmas. The non-celebrator  explained that she goes to meetings where they say how bad Christmas is. "It's even in the bible!" The other girl looked at her and said, "You can't listen to the bible. Santa Claus is awesome."

On a side note, today I spent recess running around, trying to prevent the playground aka ship from sinking. Good times.

Why don't fish like basketball??

The latest from kindergarten....

I love kindergarten. Snack time! Going down the slide at recess! Music class! Art class! Gym! Being excited for being able to zip up your own zipper!

The other day, there was an older gentleman substituting teaching the music class. Comedy central. He plays a pretty annoying Christmas song on the CD player and tells them to listen. Obviously, they're not listening. He writes a few of the words on the board. They cannot read these words. Literally. He then passes out a million instruments. The annoying Christmas song is still playing. He tells them to sing the song while playing the instruments. Chaos. These kids do not know the words, nor do they know how to play any of these instruments. A triangle flies across the room. I basically had a laughing fit throughout the entire fifty minutes of class and was of no help whatsoever.

I know you shouldn't pick favorites, but there is this one boy in class who takes pics of his cats for me and then brings in his camera to show me. Amazing. His parents renovated their upstairs and he took pics of that too.  He takes out his camera and is like, "here is the toilet" and "this is the tv". He made a cd of his mom singing in Portuguese for me. We discussed how his parents should put a radio station in their house and we can have out cats come and listen. Love it. He's  also always offering to bring in an extra snack for me. "I can ask my mom to pack an extra honey bun for you!" On Wednesday, he beckoned for me to come over. "I have to tell you in your ear. Santa can't hear." He then proceeded to tell me how he saw Santa last year, but Santa can't know this. Santa was putting gifts under the tree and his cat Penny was climbing the tree. Santa threw Penny off the tree but made sure that he landed on a soft spot. This kid is the best.  Cats! Snacks! Santa! Such great taste!. He also said that there is a parade of turkeys that walk through his yard on Thanksgiving that his family feeds. Another great thing about this kid is that he is a prankster. He brought in fake white-out to school and tricked all of the teachers. Soooo classic. Right up my alley.

This kid, as well as a few others, are always trying to share their food with me.  One boy literally tried to spoon feed me his JELLO the other day. "It's so good. You need to try it."

Some good quotes from the week:

Girl: "Miss Kristen, guess what! I am big enough for a booster seat now!" She is so excited.

Boy: "Do you want a gift? I have a gift for you!" He then proceeds to do armpit farts in my face.
Classic!

Boy: "Someone made fun of me once in pre-school."
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What did the person do?"
Boy: "He said 'na na na na na na' to me."
Me: "Oh, that's not very nice."

Boy: "Do you like applesauce?"
Me: "Yes."
Boy: "Pinky swear??"

Girl: "When I grow up I want to be a princess with a mermaid tail."

Boy: "When I grow up I want to be a dinosaur!"

I asked a kid why he was in the nurse's office. His response: "I laughed so hard I peed myself. It was so funny." I told him that that happens to me too sometimes.

And some jokes from the back of the milk carton:

Q: What do astronauts put on their launch?
A: Launch meat!

Q: Why did the cow put lipstick on her forehead?"
A: She was trying to make up her mind!

Q: Why don't fish like basketball?
A: They're afraid of the net!

Updated Life List!

I've been taking this exercise class called "Pound" which incorporates Pilates, dance, calisthenics  and drumsticks. I'm pretty much obsessed. There are a lot of girls in class, who I can tell, view the whole thing as just another way to stay in shape.  Meanwhile, I'm there, channeling my best Ginger Baker, pounding that shit hard, and doing lots of head banging. I have now decided to add learning how to play the drums to my extended life list. I'm fairly certain that I will be a natural.

Life List!

1. Teaching license
2. Job
3. Move
4. Get a cat
5. Publish my book
6. Drums
7. Get back to dance class
8. Become fluent in French and Portuguese
9. Travel the world
10. Get my own talk show/sitcom
11. Meet a hovercraft captain. Make him my husband.

On a side, like sweet potatoes (I'm addicted), wanting to learn how to play the drums, reminds me that this girl from middle school still has my flute.  I let her borrow it and she never gave it back to me. Sometimes I really have the urge to play "Hot Cross Buns" and I can't.  Worst part is, my dad ran into her and the B is a music teacher! She could never be where she is now if she had given me back my flute. She is entering beauty pageants and teaching music.  I feel I am owed a "thank you", or at least my flute back...I'm tellin' ya....

The Chicken Dance, and then some.

I had Election Day off so I went to visit my Gma at her assisted living home.  A singer was coming in to entertain the old folks so we went down to watch the program.

We sat in the back. Gma was nervous because this entertainer has a tendency to come around with the mic and make you sing into it.

Being the only person under 84 in the room, I was the only one able to stand up without falling down. Hence, why "The Chicken Dance" took place seated.  Me and a bunch of old folks clucking in our seats. An exciting way to spend a Tuesday.

I noticed the singer motioning to me to come during a jig and so I did. I started pirouetting and leaping all over the place.  The old folks cheered. The singer hugged me.

I sat back down in my seat, but I was not off the hook. The lady came around with the microphone and put it in my face.  I sang a verse of "Tiny Bubbles". My Gma was thrilled.

The refreshment cart came into view and I got up to help pass out strawberries and mini-pastries.

At the end of the hour, my Gma looked at me and said, "I had no idea you were so smart. You do it all. I'm so proud of you." While I appreciated the compliment, I couldn't help think: you think I'm smart because I leaped around and passed out desserts?? You would have thought I had just gotten my doctorate the way she was talking.  Whatever, I'll take it.

Le Chef!

Bird and I were going to meet for brunch at Penelope's a few weeks back. I had been to Penelope's twice before...in April...on the same day....within two hour's span. A doctor (long story) had recommended it to Charlie Chainsaw so we went there for lunch.  After our lunch, I had gone to meet Bird during her work break.  She said she had Googled "good salad places" and Penelope's came up. So, we went there. I told the workers that it was so good, I couldn't stay away. It must have looked like I was interviewing people for the job of being my friend.  Actually, I lied when I said I had been there twice; Bird and I had ended up going there the next day as well. Well, when you know what you like...

Anyhoo, as I was saying, Bird and I were going to go there for brunch again, but the line was cra cra and time was not on our side.  So, we stumbled upon a little French joint on the same block. We entered what felt like a different era, a different world even.  Kitsch and clutter everywhere,  yet somehow very charming and right up our alley.  We waited a few minutes.  Where was everyone? We heard some chatter and banging coming from somewhere.  The place was so cluttered it took us a few minutes to discover a stairway.  I heard a voice telling someone what to do.  Bird and I were kind of afraid to see what was going on, but eventually we made our way up the stairs.  We were met by the French man pictured.  He didn't greet us but rather told us to "wait" and so we did. A few other people were there. The place was something else. Large emphasis on the "else".  We sat down and remained quiet for awhile, afraid that the French man would yell at us if we spoke. This place was totally bizarre, even for our standards.  One Yelp user wrote: This place looked like an ax murderer hacked up an evergreen and decorated the place with the dismembered branches. The place looks as though someone was having a garage sale, but instead of selling they were actually buying more crap to fill in an already cramped home. The outside looked nice enough, but upon opening the doors you feel like you've stepped into the home of a shut-in who has not left their abode since before the Reagan administration. To make matters worse, while they had been open to serve breakfast all of their benches were blocking the aisle as you tried to make your way toward the staircase. Bird and I had no idea where we were, or what we were eating, but we rather liked it.

Once we were no longer afraid to speak, Bird told me about her work trip to Buenos Aires.  She said how the locals were surprised that her and her work crew dressed "so hip".  "Weren't Americans supposed to wear high socks and sneakers??" Bird asked them if they wanted to visit the U.S. "No!" they all said.  "Why not?" "Because Americans carry machine guns! It's not safe." Even the dude from Toronto who had moved to Argentina felt this way. Dude, you are from Toronto. Really??!  Even he was scared of New York City.  One local said he was very familiar with Queens however.  "I very familiar with Queens. We watch 'The Nanny'. Very good show. Love Fran Drescher. Very popular here." 

Okay. Things I got from this brunch:
1. Bird and I will not always agree with the average Yelp user. Though, we do totally get where they're coming from.
2. Argentinians (and Canadian transplants) believe that America is full of machine guns, high socks, and   nasal-voiced nannies that have big hair.
3. I'll definitely be coming back to this place.