Gangsta's Paradise

The snow is making me legit stir crazy.  I need to run 10 miles outside immediately or I'm going to lose it.  Since that is not actually a possibility right now, I am settling by practicing the worm, with the strobe light disco ball on, and blasting hip hop music.  This post right here, it is literally just a commercial break from the worm.

Speaking of hip hop music, I keep wondering about a line in Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise".  Fun Fact: I did a jazz routine this song when I was 9ish.  Anyway.  In the song, he goes, "I'm 23 now, but will I live to see 24.  The way things are going I don't know."  I always wonder: was he really 23 when he wrote this song? I tried doing math today and I think he would have been more like 30 something, but maybe he was talking about when he actually wrote the song? Or maybe he is just being all metaphorical? Is it weird that this is what is going on in my head? Kind of a lot too? Like I've thought about this numerous times in my life.

I had one other thought today (slow thought day).  I was walking down the street and was wondering if I was moving my arms enough.  I think they move at a normal pace generally, but with winter and sleeping bag coats, I feel like stiffness or something creeps in, and then I am reminded of the Summer of George Seinfeld episode where Elaine's co-worker (Molly Shannon) doesn't move her arms enough.  

Yoga/Valentine's Day/Role Models.

Yoga class update: original good looking fella has a girlfriend. No, I am not above straight up asking the yoga teacher the status of dudes in class.  There is a another gent in class who has a nice face. I am not getting my hopes up though.  It seems that straight + single are hard to find in the middle of an up-dog so I'm not wasting my time.

Though, single dudes: what are you thinking?! Yoga is the perfect place to go to meet ladies. They are all wearing tight pants.  I don't get it.

Speaking of singledom, I am actually totally fine with being single on Valentine's Day.  I think I'd rather have a boyfriend during the 4th of July anyways.  Though, today I did buy a nice greeting card I would like to send someone some day.

Who wouldn't love to receive this gem in the mail?! So, yes, that is the reason I think a boyfriend on Valentine's Day would be nice: shark cards.

And here is why being a teacher is nice:

Q: Who is your role model?

A: Miss. F. because she is great at everything.

You hear that? Miss F. aka Killah K is GREAT AT EVERYTHING.

And you know, kids only tell the truth so....

In other news, I passed a cemetery the other day and swear a large tombstone read FATSY on it.  My friend suggested that maybe it actually read PATSY??

And in weather news, I'm really hoping that March goes straight-up into lamb. None of that lion business.

Overheard/Groundhog's Day/Patriots/Winter

Recently Overheard, Children to Adults:

1. Can I ask you something serious though? Do you believe in the legend of Hercules?
2. You definitely don't want to eat a blow-up fish.

Groundhog's Day

A national treasure. Prior to when the big day hit, I was discussing it with one of my students.  I asked him if he knew what a groundhog looked like, which led to the discussion of what the difference was between groundhogs, beavers, and woodchucks. Is there a difference? Are they all the same? And then I felt bad because it is sort of a racist thing to say.  Obviously not all large rodents look the same.

I had a snow day on actual Groundhog's Day and spent it watching Groundhog's Day, naturally.  That movie is spectacular, but also feels pretty real life these days. For instance, I literally have had no idea what day it is at all for the last two weeks.  Well, I guess that is kind of the opposite of Groundhog's Day though, considering that Mr. Bill Murray is very aware of what the date is.

Anyway, this happened on Groundhog's Day, real life: Groundhog bites mayor. I can't say I blame the little fellow.  Being rudely awoken at an ungodly hour is pretty not cool.

Dates

I was talking to my high school student today about dates, as in numerical today is blah blah blah kind of dates and somehow the following came from my mouth: "There are three kinds of dates. Dates, food, dates, like today is, and dates as in let's go to the movies. Which date do you like the most? I like dates, the food the best."

She told me that that was a really weird thing to say.

The Patriots

Okay, not going to lie, I am one of those New England Patriots fans, sue me.  The Super Bowl basically gave me a full-on anxiety attack.  It was when I decided to do sprints from the living room down the hall and back that they started to improve so I then found myself sprinting between plays for the majority of the second half.  I get annoyed when people hate on the Patriots, but have learned to take it in stride.  This is not about being a fan or not, but really about the deeper issues of a.) haters gonna hate b.) jealousy is a mean ol' mofo and c.) sometimes it is best to keep the talk to the minimum.  I am just going to lightly touch upon a. and b. Okay, there are a lot of peeps who may seem like they have it all and you may want to find fault with them, but maybe they actually worked hard for it ? Maybe because they worked hard it doesn't mean they are actually bad people? It doesn't actually mean they are good people either.  It just doesn't mean peeps gotta act a fool as a result.  C. is my favorite though.  Bill Belichick is often regarded as totes the worst for his one line answers, but honestly, one liners are something that I would like to get more into.  Well, one liners I have, but then they are usually followed by 5 paragraphs of nonsense.  Sometimes, the less said, the better (as I continue to write more about nothing...see!).

Winter

I don't understand what is happening outside.  Sure, I grew up in New England and all that jazz, but I still don't get it.  I see people running outside.  I ran outside on New Years Eve and nearly froze my jiblets off. Mid-run, I wondered to myself, why am I running outside when it is literally freezing and going to hot yoga in the summer? Something is very wrong here.  So, I wised up and have been hot yoga-ing like a mofo and steering clear of outside jogs.  Until yesterday, aka super cold day, where I decided a run needed to happen.  So, I got all layered up.  My winter running attire is atrocious.  I basically look crazy, but it is dark out and no one can see me anyways so who cares. So, I'm outside, and immediately my Raynaud's start acting up.  For those of you who don't know, Raynaud's is a lovely ditty where one's hands and feet start turning really strange colors and get all prickly in the cold. That's happening but I am determined.  I am holding onto the sides of houses to prevent myself from falling. I can hardly not fall when there is no ice, with ice, it is really not pretty. I finally get to the park.  Duh. It's not cleared at all. It is sheets of ice and snow. All in all, I walked like .7 miles in 20 minutes because inching along is basically all I could handle.  I tried walking today, and once again, nearly froze and slipped to my death en route. I have seen people running though! I have seen them! I drive by them. How do they do it?! I do not understand! Speaking of driving, dude, if I can barely handle driving in perfect weather, driving on sheets of ice in snow is basically complete terrible town.  Though, every time I drive and not get into an accident, and walk and not fall down, I get really proud of myself. So, I guess really, winter is building my self-esteem or something.

The end?

This is literally about nothing.

Conversation that happened ten minutes ago:

Me: I hate snow, man. Man...and men. Snowmen I am okay with. That's weird.

And no, I don't actually hate men. They're great!  To be all metaphorical and shiz, however, if men were snow, I am consistently finding the kind my neighbor's dog has already peed on.

Conversation was followed by this:

 That moment when you dump an entire container of rosemary onto your chicken.

This moment just comes days after this:

 The moment when you microwave your lunch in plastic.  The toxins really added a bit of punch to the flavor. True story.

And here, for your viewing pleasure, cat in a box:

Married Cousins.

The other day one of my students was talking about her parents.  I asked her how they met.  She casually said, "they were cousins." Then her face changed as reality sunk in. "THEY WERE COUSINS? COUSINS? IS THAT OKAY?!" she repeated for literally three minutes.  I responded with, "Yeah, totally fine. I mean, not having cousins makes dating really hard these days."

True story.

She went on.  "There's so much crying?"
Me: "Crying? Who's crying?"
Student: "I don't know. Everyone is crying. They can't find anyone to date and they cry. It's like, you've got ten years, then you can start worrying." You know, until you're like 21, she is basically saying.

I found this all to be quite funny.

Anyway. I'm completely over winter/boys/ACCESS test (standard mandatory blahs that I have to administer).

This one dude I saw on Tinder totally used the pics of a famous Polish actor and claimed to be him.  Took me like a day to figure it out. Should have taken me no time because there are literally no guys that attractive in the New England region. Shocking though, hot Polish guys?! I lived in a very Polish neighborhood and there were no hot guys there.

Winter is the worst. It takes me ten minutes to walk one feet.

People are the second worst.

Testing is lame.

I am going to go shop for a palm tree now.

Fender Bender Nixon.

Driving...

Ah. I was getting so good at it.

I was almost at the point where I'd occasionally have only one hand on the wheel.

The point where I was almost glad I traded in the cold walks to the subway with the scraping of the car windows.

The point where I could actually handle switching lanes.  

And then it happened: Backing out of my driveway, I somehow managed to hit a sign in my actual driveway. I was backing out, yes, but somehow the fender got stuck and well, bad news bears. Welcome to my life. Naturally, I was on my way to yoga. This is basically the opposite of yoga.  The deep breathing and all that must be paying off however because I wasn't even stressed! Not at all. The one teeny minute of WHAT?! came in as my dad called me as I was talking to my mom on the phone (they were in the same room), and then the auto-dude beeped in, but I recovered quickly from all the beeps and whatnot.  It also became a great opportunity for neighborly bonding as my neighbors Will and John forged together to take off the remaining part of my fender.  Good times.  And while I am not super pleased with the idea that my little funds will be going towards this instead of a road trip or whatnot, driving around fenderless will be sort of badass. I mean, why do I need to go anywhere during February break when I can re-watch Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee and eat burritos from the comfort of my own living room?!  Ideally, I would be able to get the same color in the fender replacement, but part of me would be okay with the fender being metallic gold or hot pink just for the ridiculous factor.

Speaking of Presidents Day, my friend was telling me about her second annual Prez shindig that she is throwing (which I wanted to go to, but since it is in NYC and I am officially broker, will probably have to pass). So, anyway.  The shindig, evidently it is great fun, but I suggested that perhaps dressing as a president should probably also happen?! And then, without warning, my mind flashed back to 7th grade when I read Nixon's memoirs and presented them to the class via Nixon sock puppet.  And then it hit me: I emphasized with Nixon because I felt that he must truly, really be sorry, this is what my sweet 7th grade self thought. But here's the thing, just because you think someone may be sorry for Watergate, doesn't mean they need you to make a sock puppet out of them. What I'm trying to say is that you can forgive peeps for acting a-fool but you don't have to play into it; you don't have to be Nixonized.  Did any of this make sense to anyone besides me?! Also, who reads Nixon's memoirs in 7th grade? Also, I am a liberal lady.

And that is all, Time to eat.

Post food revelation: I don't think I actually care about this fender loss/having to spend money on a new fender because I think I have officially given my last shiiiiiiiiiitz in general on stuff. It's a pretty wonderful feeling.  And now that I ate a burrito bowl and some brownies, I am going to make the worst decision of the day: yoga attempt #2. I really don't think one should go immediately after such meals....But as aforementioned, I could really care less!!!

Random in Review.

1. Sketchy guys on Amtrak---not into it.  So, I was on the train to NY on Friday and this older gent sits next to me and starts talking.  I am really bad at avoiding eye contact and not talking, so it turned into a 4 hour chat.  Three hours in, he asked for my number. Agh. Sometimes it is hard to say no, with there being an hour left and all, and the conversation isn't actually bad, but realistically, do I want to hang out with this way older man?? No. And then afterwards, there is the realization that the entire trip was actually sketchy and then you feel sketchy and bad.  But, on an a bright note---a couple of things to take from this.  One being that I have realized (for the millionth time) that fake numbers/nice rejections need to be on-hand at all times. Secondly, if you are looking to get a number or a yes to a proposal, the train with an hour left is a really good option for not getting rejected.  That, or in the middle of the night.  My best friend got proposed to when she was half asleep.  Dude had it in the bag! That, and she loves him and stuff.

2. Pants---so over them.  Once a year I try to put on pants and it just doesn't go well. I don't understand them.  They are long and hang in weird areas.  I have officially given up on them and have basically gone to tights/leggings with a dress in the winter.  I gotta say, the tights/leggings situation is also starting to get me down.  I walked around on Saturday in fleece-lined leggings that kept falling down to uncomfortable areas and I simply could not deal with my life.  I was honestly about ready to give up.  I think the moral of the story is that I need it to be summer and I just want to be free.

3. "Wild"--Reece Witherspoon movie.  My friend really wanted to see this because she was under the impression that it would be inspirational.  It was pretty inspirational, but mainly, I have realized how  much I don't want to do heroin.  I never really thought about doing heroin. I am fairly certain I would be terrible at it, especially considering that I am not good with fire and pass out with needles.  "Wild" has further emphasized my non-desire to add junkie to my extracurricular activities.  It has also made me not want to cheat on my non-existent husband.  I would, however, consider backpacking through the wilderness for 6 days, maximum.

4. Getting low as a way to express oneself.  5 stars.

5. Cute guys in yoga---mixed bag. Initially, I was pretty stoked to see an attractive, non-married, heterosexual dude partaking in limbering activities.  But in all honesty, his attractiveness made it harder for me to breathe properly and I fell down multiple times as a result.

6. Gospel music.  5 stars.  I went to my friend's mom's gospel performance on Sunday.  Amazing.  So much.  That is some ish that I can get into. So much clapping and (naturally) singing, right in my voice range, I'm telling you, I'm legit looking into joining a gospel choir.  Gospel choir will be my heroin,