Ribs

Sometimes I can't tell if my ribs hurt because I worked out or because my body NEEDS a cheeseburger. I seriously went into a panic yesterday trying to figure it out. The end. 

Is this healthy??

I don't think you understand how many more of these there are:

Lady Shark: I like your hat.

Cat: What is this noise?!

Penguin: I know man. Wish that seal shredded me yo. Can't deal.

Sexy Penguins!

It's Time To Go

Working at a music venue, I see a LOT of grown men having legit meltdowns on stage. As in, pretty much every night. Last Sunday, my co-worker turned to me and earnestly asked if the performer was crying on stage. "Yes, yes, I reckon he is," was my reply. Perhaps if rockstar had told mom/dad/cat/girlfriend/boyfriend/fish he loved him/her/it he would not be wailing on stage. But I suppose if he had done this, he would be out of a job. Check box: Face to face communication-POOR. Face to crowd communication-Excellent. 


Last night, a dude turned to me and asked me if the song on meant something to me. I told him I am sure it will in four minutes when it is done. He asked me what kind of music I listen to. "Random stuff." He presses further. "Christmas music, final answer." And then he shook my hand.


The artist had a song entitled "It's Time To Go". It was NOT his last song. Tell me how that makes any sense?! Senseless.

VIP Smiles!

The Dentist

 I was somewhat terrified for my dentist appointment that I had purchased on Groupon, even prompting my subconscious to create a weird dream (please refer to last entry for this). By some miracle, it ended up being a most lovely experience, very VIP, if you will. The dentist came right out to meet me, a smile stretching across her face. I felt like I was at a spa or a luxury getaway, not like I have ever been to either of these places, but the dentist is treating me like I am someone special. I am understanding why it is called VIP Smiles. She points me towards the "entertainment book". "Pick out anything you'd like," she tells me. The entertainment book has an extensive list of television stations, shows, movies, specials, radio stations and albums. I can hardly decide between a burger or a salad. I somehow picked "Jerry Seinfeld Live on Broadway". Figured I could get my teeth cleaned while getting tips for my comedy routine (which does not exist as of now). I had a slight internal struggle after the vhs (yes, vhs) had been turned on. I should have chosen music! The clapping is loud yet not soothing! These type of thoughts danced through my head in a slight panic. The hygienist asked me if the room temperature was to my liking. Pictures of '80s celebrities that I had never heard of but who also enjoyed the VIP treatment graced the walls. The hygienist started calling out numbers while examining my teeth, lots of ones and threes a few twos. She later explained she was checking for danger zones, four being bad news bears, one being excellent. I thought that one would have to have excellent diction to be a dental hygienist. I have trouble with my "th's" versus "f's" at times and therefore would fail. At the end of the cleaning, the hygienist asked me if I'd like Vaseline for my lips and then gave me a swab of Vaseline on a q-tip. Really?! Well, no cavities and now a plaque-less mouth. On my way out the dentist asked me if I felt like a new woman. I could not deny that I in fact did. It certainly was an experience. 


In other news, in a moment of weakness, I dropped off my laundry this morning. I am all about laundering my own clothes but at times I just don't have it in me. My roommate picked hers up yesterday and found that she had all new socks. I wonder what clothes will be in my sack when I check in a few minutes. My friend commented that she used to drop hers off but that it skeeved her out to think about someone touching her lingerie. I figure, at least some dude is looking at it! Oh. Boy. Jokes and jokes.

One cool cat...

And for good measure, how about this little guy?! 

Yesterday.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Nah, this is not a classic song, this is my life.

So, yesterday I went to open a drawer of a bing-thing-a-ma-jig and hear a sound. I look to the floor and a roach is lying there. This cannot be so I think. But indeed it is. I texted my roommate right away and also my landlord. To my landlord I wrote "Giant bug!!!"-real descriptive. My roommate thankfully was approaching the door. Just in the nick of time-who is this Nick fellow? Evidently he is quite punctual. Anyhow. She dropped a winter boot on him and cracks and grossness ensued. Persistent guy, took a while for the killing to really set in. My roommate seems to think they like wires and he was kind of near some chords. I immediately pictured a cockroach working at the Genius Bar or a Radio Shack since they seem so partial to electronics. They are a little less gross in a red uniform somehow. I also pictured other roaches hanging out in the wall, playing poker, smoking a cig, and discussing Jerry's death and how they should not come out during the day. Additionally, I was just about to eat some shrimp and it occurred to me that shrimp are kind of like cockroaches but different and delicious. I looked at my roommate and was like imagine a shrimp walking around on the floor. She said if a shrimp was walking around she would throw boiling water on it and serve it up. Ha! Oh brother.


The killing really put me off. Perhaps it was the fumes from the cleaning supplies we drowned him in (never can be too safe!) but next thing you know, I'm completely late for where I'm going and my outfit does not match So I go to the Upright Citizens Brigade to see Scott Adsit and John Lutz of 30 Rock fame, improv it out. Scott was MIA but his replacement, a lady named Meaghan, did a fine job. I've done improv and seen improv but these guys are good. They don't try too hard. It just evolves naturally. Good shit.


The train ride home was something. I'm untangling my earphones and waiting for the L to haul gear when a girl sits down next to me and asks me if I live here. I said I did and she then asked me how I stayed so healthy. To this I counteracted with "How do you know if I am healthy or not?!" and she said I have nice skin. Well, thanks. I do appreciate such compliments especially because it is our largest organ so that is kind of cool, right? Ah. The compliment was appreciated but then I had to talk to her for around twelve minutes. She is a healer from Woodstock. Of course she is. For some reason I ended up cracking my knee for her and discussing the benefits of water. It was all kind of strange.


Last night I could not sleep. Shocker. No. Sometimes I just cannot get comfortable and the thoughts are running around in there and it is just bad news bears. Around eight am I hear major ruckus from downstairs. The family was in a major uproar about not wanting to go to school and blah blah. Bloody murder screams were heard. I am just thinking, doesn't your throat hurt?! And is it not considerate to yell so loud when people are trying to sleep? REALLY?! Go to fucking school. God know's you could use an education.


Post ruckus I did find myself asleep for around 5 minutes, enough for my early morning weird dream. This one consisted of me leaving the dentists after I had finished my appointment, having paid with a Groupon discount. The hygienist is walking with me through an odd little village and told me I should really get my tooth pulled but it would cost $12,000 and I said I'd have to wait until I got a Groupon for a tooth pulling. She also said my mouth did not look so good and offered to get me a drink. I said I would like to go shopping. There were odd little huts. She did not understand how I could shop but not pay $12,000 for getting my tooth out. I think this dream comes from the fact that I really am going to the dentist on a Groupon discount and the hygienist perhaps resembled the sketchy healer.


Well, that was yesterday into early morning of today. Real exciting stuff I know (sarcasm).

Black Angels

I went to Black Angels at Bowery on Friday. It was a lovely show. Except for the people and for the standing. I'm all about standing. You gotta stand for something! But with such tight quarters and holding luggage (aka coat, bag, umbrella) one's body really starts aching. The girls directly in front of me and directly behind me were wildly thrashing their bodies everywhere. I had no chance to dance because even if I had attempted a sway, I'd be completely bumping into them. As is, they were already completely bumping into me and I was trying to make myself as small as possible. Hair got on my shoulder. I love it when it gets warmer and the Big D sweater comes off, but I hate it when other people's split ends land on my skin because they have no concept of space. Sick. Also at the show was this dude that I had accidentally given a fake number to. I say accidentally because I usually give my number out when I don't know what else to do. I don't have the capacity to make up a number. I am too honest. I am like, no, I don't have a boyfriend. Yes, I will give you my number. All obviously very miserably said. But that is besides the point. Anyhoo, this guy approached me and said he had a bone to pick. So, I gave him my real number-idiot! I'm an idiot. Then he asked me in so many words if I sucked dick for a living. Then he texted me and said he hated the music and wanted to shoot himself in the dick. I want to shoot HIM in the dick too. I understand I am pretty laid back and therefore people feel like they can say stuff to me. I am not offended this much is true. But I do think you are an idiot and should just stay in the comfort of your own home. Also, come to think of it, every time I had seen him it was at a show and every time he was complaining about how much he hated the band. WHY DID YOU SPEND TWENTY DOLLARS TO COMPLAIN?! If you don't like it, stay home! PLEASE. STAY HOME! He put his hand on my back when he was saying goodbye. I literally cringed. CRINGED. I hate it when people touch me. Terrible. But! The show was good. The boys from Black Angel can touch me any time. I'm tellin' ya, hey!